I'm finding it difficult to select the right priorities right now. I should be out at a funeral for my Aunt, but I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Part of me says that I can't afford it, but how can I afford not to be around family and friends at these times?
I work all day and it takes all of the energy that I've got. No, I do not work in a mine or on a construction site. I work with knowledge workers, online developers, e-learning designers, and subject matter experts. It is mentally exhausting for me in many ways. That is partially because I like to strategize and DO work and not philosophize or hold lots of meetings. (Ok, that is the last of my complaining - I do have a good job in a bad economy and for that I am grateful). However, it takes everything out of me and I don't think I think straight once I leave work. I just want extremely low key evenings with no social events.
So, then it becomes really hard to make good decisions, serve others happily and be hopeful.
Sometimes my intentions are far greater than what I can actually get done. I've even cut out most extra curricular activities in all areas of my life to keep it simple. I've cut out driving too much, eating out and buying anything extraneous....even though I still want a new camera!
Anyway, I guess I'm feeling a little guilty for not flying out west for the funeral, for not being able to pay down debt as rapidly as I like, not being able to help others in need as much as I'd like and not being this amazingly helpful, responsive person to everyone that comes in my path.
Perhaps this is part of life and growing up though - making choices, being there sometimes and not others, knowing when you are strong enough to hold others up and when you need to sit it out at home and get your own soul filled up.
The beauty is that it is a constantly changing pattern and so neither the ups or the downs last too long and there is always the time of transition in between.
Ok, hopefully this wasn't a ramble. Well, actually it is a ramble, but you know what...it's my blog and I'm just going to ramble.
It is sounding like this is one of those "sit it out at home and get your own soul filled up" moments, aye?
1 comment:
Don't beat yourself up. We're ALL going through hard times and some have to do with the economy while others deal with debt, emotions, stress, time, physical ailments... it's a tough road.
I think you should be kinder to yourself. I see so many great and amazing things in you but you never allow yourself to see them. Just breathe.
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