I'm in a meeting and some of the people in the meeting have a history of interactions with each other. I do not.
One says something that is a completely normal request, but it creates a reaction in the other. Unwarranted from my point of view, but they are reacting more from prior interaction vs. a response to just that moment.
I can go on and on about this topic and will in another post. In fact, I highly recommend "Bonds that Make You Free" which is a book that changed my life over 16 years ago. At that time it was just a manuscript and I was in a class at BYU taught by one of the co-authors. Absolutely amazing.
So, back to my story.
Relationships are a fragile thing - regardless of whether they are work, marriage, or friends.
Spouses are probably the most difficult because you are joined together in so many ways. I'm a newly wed and so I haven't had a spouse for very long, but I have been in a relationship for over 10 years and so I feel like I do know a bit about the topic and love to observe.
Here are some thoughts:
- Wake up each day with the goal of bringing happiness (and suprise joy) to your spouse.
- Help them fulfill their goals.
- Take the time to acknowledge whenever they come into the house, leave the house, complete a task, arrive in a room at church, work, etc. When they walk in the door, stop what you are doing. How awesome is it when people come running or smiling to the door when you walk in a room. It is like a positive paparrazi and anyway, what are you doing that is supposedly more important than welcoming your partner in life into your space?
- Don't put their weaknesses in email, over the phone, on Facebook, etc. - unless it is presented in a mutually acceptable funny or uplifting way.
- Would you want them to do to you as you do to them?
- Say supportive comments around others and in the privacy of home.
- Go to bed around the same time. Can't do it? Agree to kiss, hug, and pray whenever the first spouse goes to bed so you "close the day" with a moment together.
- In the morning, kiss, hug, pray (even if standing by the door in an embrace) when the first spouse leaves the house.
- You are not the standard of truth - your spouse isn't as wrong as often as you think. After all, you are comparing to YOUR standard of what should be done. Who said you were the standard? Spouses make choices.
- Stop the eye rolling. Studies show that experts can figure how long your relationship will last from eye roll rates. Many of us know this and are watching you. Haaa. Again, are you the standard of what is and isn't acceptable? Let me give you a hint - No, you are not.
- Sometimes details aren't important. Do you argue in front of others about the details of minute things? Past parties? The exact amount of mileage from point A to point B, how to properly close the toothpaste. C'mon, really? We don't care. In fact, you embarass those of us that are listening and waste our time on unimportant pieces of life.
- Cheezy Fake - don't be this way. We see through it. Gushy notes on Facebook walls, over the top praise at the wrong time, etc. Most who do this are most likely to get divorced a few weeks later - seriously, I've seen it happen. Just share with each other like you would to any other decent person.
- Acknowledge the spouse when something/someone bothers them - who cares if they shouldn't feel that way, they just do! Acknowledge it. Allow them to vent.
- Men need all of this just as much (or more) than women! We women often don't realize this when we dish it out and then act appalled if the same comes back to us.
I know you have thoughts on this post - any of your own to add?
One says something that is a completely normal request, but it creates a reaction in the other. Unwarranted from my point of view, but they are reacting more from prior interaction vs. a response to just that moment.
I can go on and on about this topic and will in another post. In fact, I highly recommend "Bonds that Make You Free" which is a book that changed my life over 16 years ago. At that time it was just a manuscript and I was in a class at BYU taught by one of the co-authors. Absolutely amazing.
So, back to my story.
Relationships are a fragile thing - regardless of whether they are work, marriage, or friends.
Spouses are probably the most difficult because you are joined together in so many ways. I'm a newly wed and so I haven't had a spouse for very long, but I have been in a relationship for over 10 years and so I feel like I do know a bit about the topic and love to observe.
Here are some thoughts:
- Wake up each day with the goal of bringing happiness (and suprise joy) to your spouse.
- Help them fulfill their goals.
- Take the time to acknowledge whenever they come into the house, leave the house, complete a task, arrive in a room at church, work, etc. When they walk in the door, stop what you are doing. How awesome is it when people come running or smiling to the door when you walk in a room. It is like a positive paparrazi and anyway, what are you doing that is supposedly more important than welcoming your partner in life into your space?
- Don't put their weaknesses in email, over the phone, on Facebook, etc. - unless it is presented in a mutually acceptable funny or uplifting way.
- Would you want them to do to you as you do to them?
- Say supportive comments around others and in the privacy of home.
- Go to bed around the same time. Can't do it? Agree to kiss, hug, and pray whenever the first spouse goes to bed so you "close the day" with a moment together.
- In the morning, kiss, hug, pray (even if standing by the door in an embrace) when the first spouse leaves the house.
- You are not the standard of truth - your spouse isn't as wrong as often as you think. After all, you are comparing to YOUR standard of what should be done. Who said you were the standard? Spouses make choices.
- Stop the eye rolling. Studies show that experts can figure how long your relationship will last from eye roll rates. Many of us know this and are watching you. Haaa. Again, are you the standard of what is and isn't acceptable? Let me give you a hint - No, you are not.
- Sometimes details aren't important. Do you argue in front of others about the details of minute things? Past parties? The exact amount of mileage from point A to point B, how to properly close the toothpaste. C'mon, really? We don't care. In fact, you embarass those of us that are listening and waste our time on unimportant pieces of life.
- Cheezy Fake - don't be this way. We see through it. Gushy notes on Facebook walls, over the top praise at the wrong time, etc. Most who do this are most likely to get divorced a few weeks later - seriously, I've seen it happen. Just share with each other like you would to any other decent person.
- Acknowledge the spouse when something/someone bothers them - who cares if they shouldn't feel that way, they just do! Acknowledge it. Allow them to vent.
- Men need all of this just as much (or more) than women! We women often don't realize this when we dish it out and then act appalled if the same comes back to us.
I know you have thoughts on this post - any of your own to add?
Sent from my iPad
1 comment:
When I was first married, I worked at an elementary school. At a luncheon, the principal said he had forgotten about the pasta salad he was supposed to bring, and so his wife woke up at 4am to make one for him. I jokingly said, "wow, if my husband did that, I would be so mad!" But he replied kindly, "when you have been married as long as we have, you just learn to work with each other." (or something to that effect.) I have never forgotten that. We all mess up, and I have found that in my relationship with my husband, if we approach mistakes as something we can work to fix together, rather than putting blame and/or feeling victimized because of them, we are a lot happier in and more satisfied with our lives.
I love this post. You nailed all of the important concepts. I know you called yourself a newlywed, but you have a great (and true) view of the world and your marriage is no different. Often when I read your posts, I think "Right on!" Thanks for all of the reminders.
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