Over this past year or two, I've been on a quest (like always) at work, as an entrepreneur, as a new wife and as someone that sees life flying quickly by.
Gray hairs abound. Rebecker is always found "doing."
But, being on a quest can bring hyper focus in some areas to the point of, well, missing the point.
The realization that days are only 24 hours long and that we can't have it all or pursue everything we are good at becomes blatantly clear once a health challenge, a set of new commitments or string of opportunities come our way. Even in my bionic mode, I cannot keep up with all the ideas and "to dos" I create.
I was never intended to do it all.
I have to make choices. Good vs. Best, Best vs. Better.
I'm fine with that. The hard part is figuring out what better is, right? It isn't based upon what will bring the most money, fame, power or recognition. Rather, what fits God's plan for me and will enable me to help those that I'm supposed to help now and in the future. What impact are the choices I am making today having on my future family, relationships, jobs, responsibilities, and reputation?
It changes things a bit. It's not all about me and yet it is. It isn't about what others are doing. It is about what I should be doing, even if it doesn't fit or look right from the outside. My need to have a big idea or sell a product lessens as I realize that maybe I should leverage all the amazing opportunities I have in my day job toward fulfilling that responsibility with a little more commitment and appreciation. And, maybe it isn't time for that big idea I've been wanting my entire life (literally since childhood).
Observation
It is a humbling process to observe others. I see successes and failures everyday across the web. They are the same issues and mistakes as the past, just more readily public. For some, I can see how the success will soon interfere with their relationships. They are doing too much too fast and will find out what many have already found out. Success changes definition in our lives over time. At first it brings more money, more relationships, and more recognition. But, all too soon takes on a life of it's own and becomes hard to maintain. After all, expanded networks require expanded expectations to communicate, share, connect. Been there done it and want to do it right this time. (Side note - I read an awesome book last month - "How Will You Measure Your Life?" by Clayton Christensen. As usual, someone writes MY ideas better than me AND before me and with better research than me. (-: But, seriously, great book to reflect on what "success" really means for YOU short and long term)
This month I've participated in a few massive open online courses (MOOCS), and read a couple of books. The MOOCs overwhelmed me with all the social interactions. The books were great! One was by a friend (Erin) about a woman that started a relationship with a powerful newscaster. She saw her life change in a matter of weeks - living normally to having access to power, success and money almost overnight. It was a reminder of stepping back and asking the question - "Is this really what I want? What I thought it could be? And, if this is the new reality, how will I adjust while keeping my personal values and goals? One of the other books was about being your own special self as an entrepreneur. The woman referenced our personal approach to anything as our own "secret sauce."
It was in these moments of reading that I realized I was following too many people and observing what they were doing instead of focusing on Rebecker's special way. That, combined with the books, the classes, and the social interactions online, is helping me pull back for a bit.
I do know that I have my own special way when I take the time to listen. Everyone does.
This past month I spoke at church about the power of the Book of Mormon in my life. The biggest impact it has had on my life is the lessons it provides in following the Spirit. It will tell each of us truth. Sometimes that truth will be different than we expect. Sometimes we will be told something different than a commandment or different than a prior answer. It is a powerful lesson as I am re-reminded that it is my job to live worthy of hearing and understand the Spirit to ensure that I make the right choices and be the person I was intended to be on this Earth.
So, what does all of this personal learning mean?
It means that once again, I must step back and take stock of my direction, pull away from the voices and truly be me. Spend time creating what I should. Following no one, but discovering my own "secret sauce." It will bother some people. Delight others. Who cares?
I will willingly change direction. Share lessons learned. Bag a project. Perhaps start something else to learn more. No worries. It is all part of of changing my coal into diamonds.
I've also been spending 30 minutes a day typing old journals into the computer so I can combine them with old digital pictures. Wow! My entries all were leaning so much toward the future, I wonder if I was ever present. I'm not a past dweller, but living too much for what could be, hoped to be, or dreamed to be...meant I missed out on some of the here and now.
Today I'm trying to experience today. Unfortunately, that also involved experiencing a lot of cookies. Yikes.
This week I am also sick. I've had a loss. My body and mind hurt. I'm tired, but I'm happy. God is inspiring me and I am feeling at peace.
Right now I don't know the answers, but I'm preparing my heart, mind and body to receive them. I quit working at 4:45 p.m. I wrote thank you notes. I'm writing this post. I will probably take a walk. Perhaps I'll shed a tear of sadness for myself and others. For a fact, I will finish eating the box of cookies. No worries. There aren't anymore where they came from. I will kiss my husband and just do a couple of to dos on the list. Maybe even some yoga that I've been putting off for a while.
Fresh 80 degree air is floating in through the windows and I am present. Excited about what comes next. Realizing it might not be anything that I've planned (because you know I have planned), but good surprises could await.
The morphing is still in process...
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