New Years - a moment of reflection 45 minutes in to a better year

It is dark out and quiet. I've turned off the tv because the mediocre performers on Dick Clark's show were polluting all the good ideas I had at the gym earlier this evening. Yes, my resolutions are "rolling resolutions" and they don't start today. However, those resolutions that continue to roll over multiple years have now become a priority.

Here I am in the dark, in my bed, and on the laptop. I cannot sleep. I want to pursue all ideas now and feel hope of their success in this 2011.

In some ways, I feel like a bit of a failure this year. So much work and most didn't work out the way I planned.

I only lost 10-15 pounds. I still have no self control with cookies. Even bad cookies run across the room into my mouth. They pester me from distance places.

I stayed at my job, in a role I created, though I thought I'd leave for bigger and better things. Should I say that here? Not a problem. I've said this for a couple of years at work and no one believes me.

I'm still single.

My debt didn't go down, but my 401k went up. Not a lot of good that does right now. Golden handcuffs don't seem so golden, aye?

Friends had big issues. I helped a few and not others.

My soul despaired and went through lessons I had to learn.

But, like all tunnels, there are bright lights in the distance.

Yes, bright lights.

Humility
Humility was learned. Humility I didn't know I needed.

Job
I did stay at my job. I very good job in a bad economy. A position I created myself. A position where I learned that I am the strategist, the coordinator, the puppet master, the implementer and ....not the numbers keeper. A position that requires me to create entire strategies and plans out of nothing and I find that I LOVE that freedom! I haven't moved mountains (yet), but I've been managing some pretty big initiatives and helping an organization through culture change. Changing from old school rigid thinking to implementing new approaches for capturing and sharing knowledge. Uncomfortable approaches for some. My approach isn't perfect, but we are further along than we were last year by a long shot and gaining a lot of buy-in. Plus, I've been able to work with some great forward thinkers along the way. So, why was/am I trying to leave?

Good Gifts
I'm learning to give good gifts. Truly giving. Some giving hurts because they are truly from the heart and take a piece of me away from me. But, I see the wisdom and depth it gives my soul.

Pivotal People
Certain people were there for me at pivotal moments. They helped me help myself...if only through listening as I verbally worked through a problem, or to say "it will be ok" or "I have full confidence in you."

Exercise
Exercise is a key element of my life. No matter what I weigh, I exercise at least five days a week, if only a long walk. This year had many, many, many walks. Many were at a local battleground park where I could think and see the horizon. Sometimes I was quiet with my thoughts and other times I listened to scriptures, books, music or podcasts. All helped increase my knowledge and open my spirit to the possibilities that we sometimes forget are there.

Voices, or lack thereof
More than ever, this year, I learned to tune out all the voices at important times and listen to the one voice that mattered - inspirations from Heaven. My soul trying to figure out what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do with different situations, with moments, with goals and with my life. I experienced more than ever "pure intelligence flowing through me" and "inexplicable joy" in isolated and overpowering moments. Those are the moments that carried me through moments where I could feel nothing.

Relationships
I learned to love some people at church and work that I didn't love before because I allowed myself to reach out OR I accepted their reaching out to me. How beautiful to re-realize and understand that cycle of giving and receiving love, gifts of the heart, etc.

Entrepreneurial
Finally, I've pursued some of my entrepreneurial ideas. One idea was to promote other entrepreneurs, which is a fairly common practice by now, but I'm ok with that. Another is a company I set up six years ago, but couldn't move forward on because it was a conflict of interest. Now I'm moving it forward in different ways. I'm starting some other side work that will hopefully grow larger as I devote more time to the efforts.

Religious and Spiritual
Many people separate these out, but for the most part I put them in the same bucket in my head. Either way, I've grown in all kinds of areas related to understanding the core principles of my religious beliefs, but also learning and growing in other spiritual ways. I've found that my love for reading about psychology, marketing, customers, innovation, learning and related topics help me understand scripture better because I develop better mental models to take the information into my brain in the way I need to use it. And, I continually learn that God loves Rebecker....much, much, much.

Miracles
I continue to experience and witness miracles. And, hope for more to come.



So, perhaps last year was more light than tunnel than I realize. Or, more likely, once you get closer to the light some of the darkness falls behind and seems smaller.


This probably should have gone into my personal journal (and it may well be added), but sometimes it helps to publicly expose trips down memory lane because it can make us accountable to ourselves and others.

Here's to a great new year in 2011!

It will be a great one ....just like how all the others ended up being ...after I forgot the details. (-: