New Years - a moment of reflection 45 minutes in to a better year

It is dark out and quiet. I've turned off the tv because the mediocre performers on Dick Clark's show were polluting all the good ideas I had at the gym earlier this evening. Yes, my resolutions are "rolling resolutions" and they don't start today. However, those resolutions that continue to roll over multiple years have now become a priority.

Here I am in the dark, in my bed, and on the laptop. I cannot sleep. I want to pursue all ideas now and feel hope of their success in this 2011.

In some ways, I feel like a bit of a failure this year. So much work and most didn't work out the way I planned.

I only lost 10-15 pounds. I still have no self control with cookies. Even bad cookies run across the room into my mouth. They pester me from distance places.

I stayed at my job, in a role I created, though I thought I'd leave for bigger and better things. Should I say that here? Not a problem. I've said this for a couple of years at work and no one believes me.

I'm still single.

My debt didn't go down, but my 401k went up. Not a lot of good that does right now. Golden handcuffs don't seem so golden, aye?

Friends had big issues. I helped a few and not others.

My soul despaired and went through lessons I had to learn.

But, like all tunnels, there are bright lights in the distance.

Yes, bright lights.

Humility
Humility was learned. Humility I didn't know I needed.

Job
I did stay at my job. I very good job in a bad economy. A position I created myself. A position where I learned that I am the strategist, the coordinator, the puppet master, the implementer and ....not the numbers keeper. A position that requires me to create entire strategies and plans out of nothing and I find that I LOVE that freedom! I haven't moved mountains (yet), but I've been managing some pretty big initiatives and helping an organization through culture change. Changing from old school rigid thinking to implementing new approaches for capturing and sharing knowledge. Uncomfortable approaches for some. My approach isn't perfect, but we are further along than we were last year by a long shot and gaining a lot of buy-in. Plus, I've been able to work with some great forward thinkers along the way. So, why was/am I trying to leave?

Good Gifts
I'm learning to give good gifts. Truly giving. Some giving hurts because they are truly from the heart and take a piece of me away from me. But, I see the wisdom and depth it gives my soul.

Pivotal People
Certain people were there for me at pivotal moments. They helped me help myself...if only through listening as I verbally worked through a problem, or to say "it will be ok" or "I have full confidence in you."

Exercise
Exercise is a key element of my life. No matter what I weigh, I exercise at least five days a week, if only a long walk. This year had many, many, many walks. Many were at a local battleground park where I could think and see the horizon. Sometimes I was quiet with my thoughts and other times I listened to scriptures, books, music or podcasts. All helped increase my knowledge and open my spirit to the possibilities that we sometimes forget are there.

Voices, or lack thereof
More than ever, this year, I learned to tune out all the voices at important times and listen to the one voice that mattered - inspirations from Heaven. My soul trying to figure out what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do with different situations, with moments, with goals and with my life. I experienced more than ever "pure intelligence flowing through me" and "inexplicable joy" in isolated and overpowering moments. Those are the moments that carried me through moments where I could feel nothing.

Relationships
I learned to love some people at church and work that I didn't love before because I allowed myself to reach out OR I accepted their reaching out to me. How beautiful to re-realize and understand that cycle of giving and receiving love, gifts of the heart, etc.

Entrepreneurial
Finally, I've pursued some of my entrepreneurial ideas. One idea was to promote other entrepreneurs, which is a fairly common practice by now, but I'm ok with that. Another is a company I set up six years ago, but couldn't move forward on because it was a conflict of interest. Now I'm moving it forward in different ways. I'm starting some other side work that will hopefully grow larger as I devote more time to the efforts.

Religious and Spiritual
Many people separate these out, but for the most part I put them in the same bucket in my head. Either way, I've grown in all kinds of areas related to understanding the core principles of my religious beliefs, but also learning and growing in other spiritual ways. I've found that my love for reading about psychology, marketing, customers, innovation, learning and related topics help me understand scripture better because I develop better mental models to take the information into my brain in the way I need to use it. And, I continually learn that God loves Rebecker....much, much, much.

Miracles
I continue to experience and witness miracles. And, hope for more to come.



So, perhaps last year was more light than tunnel than I realize. Or, more likely, once you get closer to the light some of the darkness falls behind and seems smaller.


This probably should have gone into my personal journal (and it may well be added), but sometimes it helps to publicly expose trips down memory lane because it can make us accountable to ourselves and others.

Here's to a great new year in 2011!

It will be a great one ....just like how all the others ended up being ...after I forgot the details. (-:

Expect Miracles

Long time ago in a far away land (Utah), I worked at a jail/drug treatment center. I think I've written about this before, because the prior sentence felt a little deja vu.

When people left the rehab center successfully starting the first three steps of the 12 step alcoholics anonymous program, the counselors would give them a special coin. It represents a few of the core concepts talked about in the program.

I received a coin when I quit working there to move back east. This picture was taken recently and so it is clear that I valued the meaning and the true nature of the gift.

This summer, I've taken this coin with me a few places. For Mormons, I guess a CTR ring or a YW necklace would serve a similar purpose - a reminder of a value or a principle.

I've needed this reminder lately. Faith can be hard to keep, especially when tested. But, each time I do those things that renew my faith and hope, it comes back. What a wonderful gift for each of us - all is not lost when despair, fear, pain, or mis-fortune befall us!

Perhaps a year or two from now I will relate all of the experiences of this year, along with all of the lessons learned. It's been tough, but some lessons are learned through experience and no other way. OK, well, sometimes we can bypass a few lessons, but some are required just to have credibility.

Right now I'm learning how to expect miracles - that will be what is required. The back of the coin is just as powerful:

"God grant me to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Wisdom, my friends, that is what experience can bring as well - once I get over the failure to learn the same lessons over and over and over and over and .........


Serenity Now! - another catch phrase from the rehab. (-:



Related post: Serenity Now

Miracle Suits - er perhaps just improvement

So, I needed a swimsuit and swim shorts recently and stumbled upon the Eddie Bauer Miracle Suit. They are basically "basic." However, they promise to suck you in and so I went out on eBay and bought a new one for half the price (since on sale the one I wanted was $120 through Eddie Bauer).

They do help. At least it feels like they help and isn't that half the battle with a swimsuit?

Only one problem - when you suck in the flesh in one spot, it has to pop out of another. It is kind of like the water displacement method - once you put an object in the water, the water that is displaced must move somewhere.






So, how does this relate?

Well, the Miracle Suit can perform miracles on the part that it covers, but the extra flesh must go somewhere and has to pop out the edges. I tried to find a picture on the Internet because I'm smart enough not to use myself as an example, but couldn't find any that were appropriate for my blog.


But, I'm sure we've all seen plenty of examples at our own pools and beaches.

In the meantime, I'm lucky I bought some little swim shorts to go with it and I'm going to get swimmin those laps!

Cancer and a prayer for Holly

Though I'm at work, I'm having a hard time concentrating and figured I should take a few minutes to write down some thoughts.

Last night we went out to eat with a good friend that has just found out she has pancreatic cancer (terminal) and lymphoma (which there are solutions to nowadays). I've talked to her a few times on the phone recently, but this is the first time I had seen her since a hospital visit last winter.

She didn't look well. We went to a Peruvian hole in the wall for dinner. Every few months we go out to these types of places to eat with her, but life has gotten busy and it's taken months to meet back up again.

We talked about how she was feeling and are usual topics -politics, church, her work, our work, etc.

Her non-emotional personality made it kind of hard to gage how she felt about everything. It makes it difficult to ask the right questions as well. At one point I had to ask if she wanted to talk about her illnesses or something else because I wasn't sure what direction to go.

Out of the blue, halfway through the meal, she stated simply that she had 5-8 months to live. She kept talking after making the statement and we just sat still listening while allowing a tear or two to fall unattended down the cheek.

What do you say to something like that?

"Don't say that - you will be ok"

"We will pray for you"

"What can we do to help?"

It is so hard to sit across the table from someone who looks sick and part of them already seems to have moved on from this life. That sounds bad to say, but it was an overwhelming feeling and with the feeling came no words that could help in any way.

These experiences always put life in perspective. What would I do if I knew I only had 5-8 months to live? Of course, life could end any minute, but knowing that your body literally won't sustain you through another year would be an opportunity and a painful experience all at the same time.

My Aunt Anne died this year and she had been told she had one year to live last year. She was having heart problems and knowing that fact, it still came as a shock. She wrote a little autobiography during that time. I'm currently formatting it for a book combined with photos that we can find of her throughout the years. She used her time wisely, not just in writing her autobiography, but in spending the time with people she loved.

I hope that I can do a better job of caring for people each day, working without making that the top priority, spending a little time documenting how life is going and being more of an example.

Life is definitely too short. Hopefully it will be packed full of experience and not space filling.

Yes, I will still pray for my friend and have faith for her recovery. At one point in our conversation she actually talked about her faith and her appreciation for those who have supported her through this ordeal. Sorry to say that I haven't been there for her all this time. But, happy to say that she gave an inspiring little speech/testimony there at the dinner table. So, her example will continue to be felt whether she has health miracles or not.

These challenges always spur questions like - why did this happen? I still don't know even though we know that life will be full of challenges. All I can do is learn what I can from them and hope I have a chance to share the learnings and live a little longer.

So, Holly, you probably won't ever read this, but we'll continue to talk, visit a hole in the wall restaurant or two, and pray and hope for your recovery during this difficult time.