In Memory Of - Grandma - Elizabeth Hanks Clark

On Friday, October 25, 2013, in the afternoon, my grandmother Elizabeth (Beth) slipped away peacefully in her sleep.

She was 93 years and 49 weeks old. I thought for sure her goal was to reach 94 years. But, she decided to leave peacefully while still having her wit and senses about her.

I shed a few tears, but am content in knowing that I made a special trip to see her in May earlier this year because I knew it was close to her time. My constant priority to write letters to my grandparents these past few years has come from that gnawing feeling I've had from other experiences and regrets.

It is important to me to take time this weekend to write down my memories and thoughts about her as a final tribute to a woman that made it possible for me to be on this planet! Remembering her reminds me of where I've come from and where I want to go. These moments of reflection are invaluable to modifying our paths in life to ensure that we are seeking the right things and that we can take with us when we pass to the next step after our lives on this earth end.

And so it goes, a long tribute to my grandmother - a woman who led a long and meaningful life!

Don't know much

I don't actually know a lot about my grandmother. She was one of the rare women who graduated from college back in the day. She attended Brigham Young Academy (now Brigham Young University - Utah). She met my grandfather when they lined up across from their partners and someone counted one off. Wa-la! There was grandpa!

They married and started having children - nine to be exact.

Since I'm the oldest grandchild of 42+ grandchildren, I might have the longest memories of her, but there were a lot of children and grandchildren in Idaho at that time and I grew up primarily in the Mid-western United States. My memories are most often associated with the summers we traveled "out West" to see "Grandma's house" each summer and when my grandparents came to see us wherever we lived.

My sister RaeLyn prepares to blow out three candles. I'm in the background sitting on grandma's lap anticipating the event. This is the first time I remember clearly being with my grandmother. P.S. I'm realizing that my anxiety started really young. I still don't like suspense!

Hardworking Woman (aka Stay at Home Mom)

Grandma always seemed to be busy - busy preparing music to teach children at church, busy canning peaches and other fruit, busy cleaning the house or yard, busy playing the piano or organ, busy with genealogy, and busy with other church and family responsibilities.

Genealogy project in May 2013 - she couldn't rest until we started working on it

After seeing her example, and that of my own mother, I've never understood why "Stay At Home Mom" is used to describe women who choose to spend time with their children during the hours of 8-5. I never got the feeling that this was a negative thing because at my grandmothers house and my own home, it seemed like there were never ending projects and activities going on that kept everything active and busy. That didn't even count all of the time spent going outside, traveling around town and perhaps even over to another town for a day. 

LtoR: Mom, Me, and Grandma - in my Pentagon City, VA apartment in 1999

To this day, I hope to be a mother like my grandmother and my own mother - thinking outside the stay at home box and thinking more about using time and resources toward creating a wonderful learning environment for my family.

A Loving Inspiration to Children

She was hardworking, but whenever a child entered the room she was right there greeting them with all of her love and attention. She read stories in her special storytelling voice, helped them play with the toys in her special children's area downstairs, and taught them to love music.

One Christmas we were staying at my grandparents house and my parents wanted to take me out on an errand. It was right after receiving the Christmas gifts and I've always been a bit possessive of ALL my belongings and wanted to take everything with me. My parents would not let me. I cried and complained and my grandmother assured me that everything would be ok. It ended up more than ok. While we were gone she whipped up a new dress for the doll I received that Christmas. I was amazed and in awe that this could come about while we were out on a simple errand. I think I still have that doll and that dress hidden in my cedar chest (which has a flat screen TV sitting on top of it right now and so I'll just keep writing). 

Music

It seemed that much of her life revolved around music. She was the chorister for the children at church into her 90s! She played the piano and the organ and she loved to sing. I still remember summer evenings when her children (my aunts and uncles) would gather in the living room to sing and tell stories. It was fun to sit back and listen and it the deep rich voices all blended into wonderful harmonies.

Missionary and Willing Traveler

Right after my grandparents got married, they went on a mission to New York. Or, at least my grandmother joined my grandfather at least partway through his mission. After their children were raised, they decided to go to New Guinea and New Zealund. I was in grade school and perhaps junior high school during these years. I remember that my first computer programming was a picture of a kiwi bird, inspired by a picture from their mission of a kiwi bird. I was so proud that my grandparents were off in an exotic foreign land teaching the gospel of Christ, educating the villages, and setting up singing programs in their local communities.

Most recent form of transportation

I served a mission in my early 20s and was able to visit them on their last mission in Pittsburgh, PA. It was great to be involved in similar work and know the same joys they had experienced.

Gift Giver

Grandma was known for making birthday gifts and Christmas gifts a year ahead of schedule. With so many brothers, sisters, and grandchildren it was quite the task. But, she did it. There were moments of fun when clothing was made or purchased a year ahead of time and the gifts didn't quite fit. But, it was the thought that counted and we all had large families where the article of clothing was bound to fit someone!

Wife, Sister, Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother

I don't have children, but I'm an aunt to over 20 children and find joy in celebrating their successes and seeing them grow. She was from a large family, she raised a large family and she was there for all the grandchildren and great-grandchildren along the way. 

She took her roles as wife, sister, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother very seriously until the end. In fact, until yesterday she greeted family and other visitors by name and held conversations with them and made their children feel special.

Legacy and Example

My grandmother has created a legacy. A posterity that has gone on to have great faith, pursue high goals and to obtain education (both formally and informally). There are some things she never said, but her example showed what was important to her - God, family, church, education, music, and teaching children. 

At the end of the day, what really matters is how we feel around a person. If they make us better for having known them. If we aspire to higher goals because of their influence. If we gain faith by feeling their Spirit.

My grandmother made me a better person. I'm proud to be her grand-daughter. I'm proud to be her posterity. I hope to continue to honor her as I make decisions for this second half of this wonderful life. 

Many people often say R.I.P. signifying "Rest In Peace." I'm sorry. I don't think that is happening right now with my grandmother. I think she is already whispering in the ears of all of us to get started on that next project swishing around in our heads. Or, maybe she is leading a singing group in a heavenly choir or perhaps telling some children a story.

No matter, I know she is pain free, busy and awaiting when she can see the rest of her family. It  may take a while. Some of us have some work still to do here!

Good-bye Grandma! I love you and am grateful for the many years we've had together - my entire life and just 1/2 of yours.

Love you,

Rebecca

Your Oldest Grandchild

Little Thoughts - leadership, excellence, talents and keeping up with whomever

Today at church we had a great lesson. The instructor didn't actually teach it, but the value of her lesson came by the people she involved in the discussion. She identified five women beforehand that had an impact in her life in some way. She asked each of these women to talk about one of their talents and center it around three questions:

• when they discovered it
• how they developed it, and
• how they use it to bless others.

I was surprised at some of the talents they shared since I don't know some of them that well and didn't suspect some of their talents by looking at them. I will admit to having a moment where I wish that I had a chance to develop more talents and share them. You know - that moment where you kind of wish someone knew you could do something? But, then you think about it and wonder "am I really that good at any one thing?"

But, I changed my thoughts mid-thought. Really, I want to focus on finding out others talents right now. There is a certain happiness in it and I don't feel so selfish in the process.

On another note - leadership positions.

When I was a teenager I was in a lot of leadership positions at church. As I went off to college, I continued to hold leadership positions at church and continued to do so into my early 30s. I never thought anything of it.

However, in my early 30s, I started taking on more leadership responsibilities at work and saw a change in the responsibilities I had at church. Instead of being in RS, YW and Primary presidencies, I'd be asked to play the piano, teach primary, family history consultant (now), and primary chorister.

Nothing wrong with it because I've grown in specific areas.

But, I don't get exposed to some of the great leadership trainings I used to be a part of, and don't meet and work with some of the leaders that I'd get to collaborate with in the past.

Today someone announced how they'd been able to meet up with a church leader yesterday by mere fact that they were in a certain leadership position at this particular time. A little part of my heart, I admit, was a little jealous.

Am I not spending my time on the right things in life? Am I not intended to help lead anything at church anymore?

Hmmmm. Deep thoughts.

And, I know the answer.

The last couple of years I have learned about "the one." Instead of being able to lead the masses (small though the masses may be), I'm learning how to silently help the one and ...stick with that one for a very long time. It is difficult for me, whereas someone else may come by it naturally.

Which brings me to comparing...

Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to others? In some ways, I guess, it is important to compare. It helps us gage where we are at and where we could be. But, in other ways it is dangerous. I live in an area where the people around me live in homes that are all over $600,000 and ...most likely have other homes in other places that are even nicer. They do well. They do not have a need for certain things. And, they are successful with their families, talents, and work.

This can be overwhelming when I compare (as I did for a minute tonight), but this minute shall pass...

I am reminded of a quest I had years ago to learn about excellence - about being excellent, about striving for excellence and about instilling it in others.

I need to return to that quest now that my life is starting to fall into place in different areas.

It isn't where we are, but were we are going. And, as my Dad says "and what direction you are pointing."

Today, I am going to do an about face and focus on making me better and helping others improve their lives. I have a feeling that all the others worries will fall into place or ....drop out of my life. Yes, I'm copying that comment from President Ezra T. Benson.

Anyway, here's to the ability to change, to improve and to repent upon the past.

Perhaps I'll discover and develop a new talent along the way...

Expect Miracles

Long time ago in a far away land (Utah), I worked at a jail/drug treatment center. I think I've written about this before, because the prior sentence felt a little deja vu.

When people left the rehab center successfully starting the first three steps of the 12 step alcoholics anonymous program, the counselors would give them a special coin. It represents a few of the core concepts talked about in the program.

I received a coin when I quit working there to move back east. This picture was taken recently and so it is clear that I valued the meaning and the true nature of the gift.

This summer, I've taken this coin with me a few places. For Mormons, I guess a CTR ring or a YW necklace would serve a similar purpose - a reminder of a value or a principle.

I've needed this reminder lately. Faith can be hard to keep, especially when tested. But, each time I do those things that renew my faith and hope, it comes back. What a wonderful gift for each of us - all is not lost when despair, fear, pain, or mis-fortune befall us!

Perhaps a year or two from now I will relate all of the experiences of this year, along with all of the lessons learned. It's been tough, but some lessons are learned through experience and no other way. OK, well, sometimes we can bypass a few lessons, but some are required just to have credibility.

Right now I'm learning how to expect miracles - that will be what is required. The back of the coin is just as powerful:

"God grant me to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Wisdom, my friends, that is what experience can bring as well - once I get over the failure to learn the same lessons over and over and over and over and .........


Serenity Now! - another catch phrase from the rehab. (-:



Related post: Serenity Now

Life's a Beach - details and horizons

After a long week of "working until midnight" days, I decided to take a little jaunt by myself to the shores at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland.

Like many drives around the Mid-Atlantic, most of the road is accompanied by forest after forest of trees, with a few breaks to see what lies beyond. Small towns, farmland, ponds, oceans? Who knows with all these trees.

But, off I went away from DC.

It is amazing what 20 miles outside of DC can do - relaxation begins to come back, as well as the shock that people still live in trailers and there are easterners that own four wheeler bikes.

Shame on me for becoming a "city-folk."

This is true America right outside of the granite halls of "justice" and "peace."

American flags, old trucks, fish/bait shops, and dirty old convenience stores lined the way. All good scenery, but the beach beckoned.

Without planning, I didn't have a particular destination in mind. That is, until I looked at the map and saw "Point Lookout State Park" listed on the bottom tip of the peninsula.

The tip of the peninsula ensured that I would be in that place nearest to Atlantic Ocean.

And, there it is! Where an old military hospital used to stand, one remaining building, a whole lot of rocks and a few stray fishermen - Point Lookout at the edge of the peninsula.

Since the beach was a ways off, and cluttered with too many people, I took to these rocks.

It was a bit hot - like over 100 degrees - and I had to wear my white hat to wart off the extra rays beating down and making me sweat. Yes, sweating while standing in a sea breeze.

However, it forced me into a few interesting observations.

First, the importance of viewing the horizon and seeing "the big picture."

(No, it isn't bad photography. The water isn't really a pretty color and the sky was a bit hazy)

Secondly, the importance of looking a bit closer.

(All the rocks had shells nestled up between them)

Third, how looking closer opens the mind. The realization that if there were a few shells, there must be more and perhaps some that I'd like to take home.

So, I walked further - near the guys that were fishing.

And, I found a special little spot. A tiny beach just for people like me - wanting alone time with the water, sand, heavens and breeze.

Looking closer, I started to find my shells.

Is it just me or are shells glorious when you pick them up and then a little less so when you get them home? Even so, I feel like a little girl whenever I pick up a shell - especially if I turn it over and it is extra shiny or contains an unusual array of colors.

My little treasures had to be put on display before I made my final selection from nature.

And, even more fun than swimming in the ocean is walking along it dipping the toes in the water as the sometimes tiny waves lap at the feet.

So many little details that I didn't see from a distance to be enjoyed.

And yet, so many little details two feet away that could cause problems.

Ah, these relaxing times to re-think life, ponder the grander of the heavens and the scariness of the ocean's depths. To see the horizons and see the details. All of the details. Up above and down below. To feel the details in the wind, the sand, the heat, the jellyfish, the shells, the worn down tree branches and the water.

Details and horizons all wrapped up into one solitary experience.

I say life's a beach - horizons and details.

And, if God can put that much effort and care into a little beach, just think about what He can do for me or you.

Next road trip - finding out His details for me.

A Woman of God

With all of the struggles of life, it is so wonderful to have great friends!

I will admit to reaching out to people this past week after I had a week or two alone in my thoughts.

As a result, the past few days have been filled with quite a few one on one conversations with great women!

Different religions, different cultures, different talents, similar hopes and dreams, and all at points of life where focus on God, work, family and friends are important to even making it through the day.

As I had my conversations with them, I was touched by the strength of spirit each has and especially by the openness to share belief in God. The women that aren't of my religion all used the phrase "a woman of God" when they were talking about themselves, me or other women that believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ. They would say "I was talking to a friend the other day and since she was a woman of God we started talking about..."

The beauty of the discussions is that it not only helped me gain a deeper testimony of my own beliefs, but also made me realize that we can all learn a lot from each other in how we communicate about God. These women shared thoughts about God in such a way that I knew that they talked to Him, prayed to Him, included Him in their decisions, know that He has a plan for them, and that He created us to be inadequate so that we would turn to Him in times of need and not try to take on resolving the questions and issues of our lives by ourselves. Sometimes I don't think I, or even others in my religion, share what we actually believe with this passion and in a way that conveys that passion to others.

Over and over I continue to be reminded that our job is to take steps each day toward Him in doing what is right. Yes, we can create plans and force things to happen, but that it is probably better to talk to Him more and find out what He would have us to do. After all, we are on His time frame and not our own.

All this makes me wonder - am I really a woman of God? Perhaps I am, but have a ways to go. I think I inform him too much or try to orchestrate answers that He doesn't want for me yet or wants me to go in a different direction. In these moments it becomes apparent that I may be more of a control freak than I thought.

Either way, I'm grateful for friends that remind me that God is in charge and are living examples of following him. He is our Heavenly Father. He created the universe and so why can't he handle helping little Rebecker move forward in her life?

I think He can. I'm a budding woman of God.

Missionary Experience - A video

One of my friends from work/church posted this link on Facebook:

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/1-in-8-million/index.html#naisi_zhao

Basically, her friend created the video of a Mormon missionary in Chinatown, New York.

It brought back a lot of memories.

Right now my job is mentally tough. Really, really mentally tough. I'll write about it more at a later date since it is not appropriate right now. And, I'm not so stupid to think that no one from work is reading this blog.

Anyway, besides this job, the mission was one of the most mentally tough portions of my life. The first few months were so hard that I was sure it was time for the end of the world to come because I was confident "the end" would be less painful.

Why was it tough? It is hard to even remember because the good experiences overshadowed the actual challenges of every day.

Perhaps it was the fact that people hated you for at least 12 hours every day. Every where we would go people who had never spoken to us would ridicule us, lie to us, throw food at us (from school buses), curse us (swearing and literal witch types), and try to prove to us how horrible we were and how we were brainwashed. That was mentally tough. I still remember a moment where someone kicked us out of their house after we had become friends and threatened to burn our books right in front of us. It was one of those piercing feelings that went deep into the soul, but from it came powerful convictions. I needed to make a choice to stand for something because the opposition was strong.

Then, there were the people with the "trained to kill" dogs protecting their homes hidden in the country. And, the big spiders that jumped at us as we made our way through webs to unused front doors. Oh, and there was the commune with the strange tall thin lady at the door that informed us she was an "emissary of the divine light." We watched our backs and prayed for confidence in that dark, foresty, grey and rainy obscure neighborhood in the hills of Oregon...and hit the road quickly. Oh, and then there were the 5-6 pit bulls that ran around me as I tried to teach a family a lesson while getting whipped by their rapidly moving tails. Or, the ladies that didn't let us in during a horrible thunderstorm and we had to walk home with lightening and rain flashing on all sides.

Did I mention that both of my arches fell one week and I had to get orthodics which hurt my feet even more for a few months? But, we kept walking day in and day out, sometimes losing hope in what we were trying to accomplish.

By the end of the mission, we were so immune to abusive people and experiences that most moments weren't even written in the journal even though they had been earth shattering at the first few months of the 1.5 year stint.

Like the woman in the video link above, I too came home feeling like it helped me more than I helped other people. I'm sure it is the same for all that go. We go thinking we will help others and it ends up helping ourselves.

As many people told me then - "the sorrows will outnumber the joys, but the joys will outweigh the sorrows."

Yes, there were trials, and yes, there were miracles. The pit bulls, dobermans and rottweilers went whimpering away most of the time and never bit me or my companion. People would be touched by the Spirit and make life changing decisions over a single weekend. We were protected from those that had originally intended to cause us harm. Others sincerely told us how we had brought them a gift that changed their lives.

My job right now is tough. Politics, favoritism, rewarded mediocrity, and emperors with no clothes prevail. Quiet firmness is often mistaken for weakness or timidness. Shared lessons learned are often viewed as complaining. Unlike the mission, this opposition isn't producing life changing experiences?

Or, is it?

Time will tell.

One thing I do know - the mission forces one to give of themselves heart, mind, and soul during the time of life that is typically the most selfish (college years). It tests one beyond what they think they are capable and most emerge more mature, talented, focused and committed than before they entered the experience.

So, perhaps this means that I will emerge as a great CEO at some point in the future?

Haaaaa.

Like I said - time will tell.

Memory Lane - Were you praying for me?

A long time ago (1992-1994) in a land far away (Oregon Rancher Country, USA), I was a missionary for my church. Though Portland was beautiful, I loved being out in the great open spaces of eastern Oregon.

My companion and I were in charge of 15-20 small towns. We actually lived in the largest of the small towns (John Day - approximately 2,000 people) and would travel all around eastern Oregon since our area was about 2.5 hours wide by 2.5 hours tall (I'm referring to a map in my head).

Anyway, we would teach a small family up in a mountain town called Seneca, Oregon. I think it was about 30 miles from John Day and we would drive through mountains, pine forests and windy roads before we would hit the high plateau of this town of 200 people. The surrounding were attractive, but the town itself seemed destitute. I still don't remember why the town even existed.

However, we taught lessons to this family and their life seemed to transform before our eyes as they felt the Spirit of the truths being taught. The mother was especially anxious for her husband and 10 year old child to learn more and accept the teachings.

One night we were home and praying for this family and were interrupted by a phone call. It was the mother.

"Are you praying for our family right now?" she asked.

"Um, yes, we were just praying for your family" I replied wondering where this was going.

"Well, I just called to tell you that I felt you praying for our family right now." She thanked us and we were left in slight amazement at the situation.

That happened a few more times, but the first time was the most powerful.


The other day I was praying for someone and asked them if they felt my prayers. They said no. I told them that that was too bad. I would keep it up and maybe one of those times they would feel my prayers.

Either way, it made me think - there are people out there praying for each of us. A parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, or maybe even a co-worker or someone just passing by that recognizes we have a need.

Just knowing that somehow makes me have more faith to move forward.

After all, God wants the best for us and why not take advantage of that by trusting in our own prayers and the prayers of others.

On the other hand, it is a reminder to me to 1.) live right and 2.) pray for others a little more.

How does that radio commercial go - "Not a sermon, just a thought."

Just a thought.

Job Fairs - a public relations stunt

I took a friend to a job fair this week to support the job search.

What a disheartening event!

This job fair was actually in Loudon County, Virginia. What does that mean? It means that this job fair was held in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation. Ok, well, at least it was a year or two ago. So, I found the experience quite shocking and feel for the rest of the country.

The publicity promised to have a lot of corporations, government contractors (more applicable names may be "beltway bandits" or "private" sector), and government agencies. As publicized, they were all there.

We arrived over an hour early and so we were about 30th and 31st in line respectively. We quickly made friends with the couple of people in front and in back of us. One woman was a substitute teacher looking for a full-time teaching job in Loudon County. She's been subbing for two years. The other was a fairly high level contracts type person with great interpersonal skills and professional appearance. She's been out of work four months. I was the only person in the immediate surroundings that 1.) Has a job and 2.) Has a stable job.

The discussion over the hour of wait was both realistic and funny. It seemed to give everyone an extra boost of confidence to have the moral support of "the line." I even had hopes of running into a better opportunity as the doors finally opened and everyone swarmed in with resumes, sweaty palms, empty pocket books and high hopes.

All I can say is that I really feel for everyone out there looking. And, a word of advice - don't bother with the job fairs!

Each and every booth resulted in the same interaction. Something like this:

"Hi, my name is ..."

"Hi, .... how are you?"

"Good, how are you?"

"Good, I am interested in ... do you have any opportunities in these areas?"

"We don't" or "Yes, here is one. If you go to our website and apply ...."


Really? You are going to have all of these people dress up, copy off resumes, drive out here, stand in line (and rain), trigger anxiety attacks talking to table after table and you are going to tell them to "go online and apply" for positions that they have either already seen or will see on the Internet?

The people showing up to this gathering weren't idiots. They all looked professional and experienced. Some of them appeared to be CEO material. Most of them work on the corridor a few miles away dubbed "Silicon Valley East" which means these people can either create your resume database or hack it. Or, manipulate the Internet to give you bad publicity. Regardless, it was obvious that they had taken time to look good, pump themselves up (or get a pep talk from a friend) and walk into the masses hoping to somehow stand apart from the throng.

I even felt demoralized as I targeted a few booths to keep myself occupied just in case my dream job somehow existed nestled between the CIA and Homeland Security booth. Yeh, that didn't happen. Or, they just didn't "confirm or deny" it existed.

I walked outside after just one hour and saw the line meandering around the building and to the back of the parking lot. It did something to me. I wanted to cry, but even more I wanted to go give a piece of my mind to someone in charge. All the while, more and more cars were driving up. I wanted to get on a speaker phone and tell the people not to bother and to just go home, put on their pajamas and search the web. Better spend the time there and at networking events than partake of a job fair.

I have some ideas of how to improve this situation. I'm not going to put them here, but the wheels are turning and a more solutions based idea may be emerging from my head soon. No more wasting time of professional people that are already facing tough times.

And, by the way, it won't involve sending the intern or the lowest paid entry level employee to man the booth. I actually inquired about something I saw and was told to go talk to someone in another line. I asked, "Does this person you are sending me to have hiring authority?" They did not. So, I turned around and went elsewhere.

All in all, I'm glad I went. There is something different that happens to you when you are actually standing there and not watching this take place on tv. You see faces. You talk to those faces and they become people. You run into those people every few minutes during the event and share feelings. People turn into friends. Friends care about friends.

Times are tough. I'm feeling the impact in my life and doing my best to pay my bills, live simply, help others in need and try to express daily gratitude that I do have a job.

Let's stop the public relation stunts marketed as "job fairs" and do something that really connects talent to openings. We do want positive outcomes, don't we? Right now it's just discouraging the jobless and creating more traffic jams in the DC area (though the later is less important).

I'm going to be keeping my eye out for a few more people...and perhaps created a new kind of fair of my own. But, I'll make sure to keep my day job.

Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision

This weekend I watched the worldwide conference for my church. Luckily, I live in a place where someone local has some influence on these matters and it happened to be on TV. Pretty cool considering that I'm on the east coast far away from the influences of the Rocky Mountain west.

Only the audio files are available at this time, but here's the link - http://lds.org/conference/sessions/display/0,5239,23-1-947,00.html

I only remember one phrase from the conference and it continues to stick in my mind:

"Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision." (I'll put who said it later because I honestly can't remember)

Perhaps it is because I go from having a lot of faith right now to feelings of despair rather quickly. Something will be said, a life event will happen or I watch the 401k start to go down by five digits instead of the usual three or four. I'll admit that it's been even harder during a time where I've made extra efforts to refocus life, study the good word, visit the temple A LOT, try to help others even when it's hard, and plan for an important upcoming event in my life.

Sometimes the going gets tough and that's why this quote seemed to penetrate my heart. It is a decision. I've made the decision before. A few months ago I decided this and the confidence that accompanied it was invigorating. However, when things don't fall into place after deciding to decide...hope does dwindle and faith truly reverts to the size of a mustard seed.

Where does this leave me now? Well, I will do what I always do. Write about it, cry about it, think about it and complain about it. Go to bed. Get up the next day and decide once again to have faith and move forward.

Somehow I, like everyone else, can look back a year (or more) later and say "Wow, I forgot even going through all that" or "I can't believe I was so worried." At that point, perhaps faith does have a feeling. A confirmation that a trial was overcome (or at least "gone through") and quite possibly the next challenge will be manageable.

Until then, it's another day and another decision.