In Memory Of - Grandma - Elizabeth Hanks Clark

On Friday, October 25, 2013, in the afternoon, my grandmother Elizabeth (Beth) slipped away peacefully in her sleep.

She was 93 years and 49 weeks old. I thought for sure her goal was to reach 94 years. But, she decided to leave peacefully while still having her wit and senses about her.

I shed a few tears, but am content in knowing that I made a special trip to see her in May earlier this year because I knew it was close to her time. My constant priority to write letters to my grandparents these past few years has come from that gnawing feeling I've had from other experiences and regrets.

It is important to me to take time this weekend to write down my memories and thoughts about her as a final tribute to a woman that made it possible for me to be on this planet! Remembering her reminds me of where I've come from and where I want to go. These moments of reflection are invaluable to modifying our paths in life to ensure that we are seeking the right things and that we can take with us when we pass to the next step after our lives on this earth end.

And so it goes, a long tribute to my grandmother - a woman who led a long and meaningful life!

Don't know much

I don't actually know a lot about my grandmother. She was one of the rare women who graduated from college back in the day. She attended Brigham Young Academy (now Brigham Young University - Utah). She met my grandfather when they lined up across from their partners and someone counted one off. Wa-la! There was grandpa!

They married and started having children - nine to be exact.

Since I'm the oldest grandchild of 42+ grandchildren, I might have the longest memories of her, but there were a lot of children and grandchildren in Idaho at that time and I grew up primarily in the Mid-western United States. My memories are most often associated with the summers we traveled "out West" to see "Grandma's house" each summer and when my grandparents came to see us wherever we lived.

My sister RaeLyn prepares to blow out three candles. I'm in the background sitting on grandma's lap anticipating the event. This is the first time I remember clearly being with my grandmother. P.S. I'm realizing that my anxiety started really young. I still don't like suspense!

Hardworking Woman (aka Stay at Home Mom)

Grandma always seemed to be busy - busy preparing music to teach children at church, busy canning peaches and other fruit, busy cleaning the house or yard, busy playing the piano or organ, busy with genealogy, and busy with other church and family responsibilities.

Genealogy project in May 2013 - she couldn't rest until we started working on it

After seeing her example, and that of my own mother, I've never understood why "Stay At Home Mom" is used to describe women who choose to spend time with their children during the hours of 8-5. I never got the feeling that this was a negative thing because at my grandmothers house and my own home, it seemed like there were never ending projects and activities going on that kept everything active and busy. That didn't even count all of the time spent going outside, traveling around town and perhaps even over to another town for a day. 

LtoR: Mom, Me, and Grandma - in my Pentagon City, VA apartment in 1999

To this day, I hope to be a mother like my grandmother and my own mother - thinking outside the stay at home box and thinking more about using time and resources toward creating a wonderful learning environment for my family.

A Loving Inspiration to Children

She was hardworking, but whenever a child entered the room she was right there greeting them with all of her love and attention. She read stories in her special storytelling voice, helped them play with the toys in her special children's area downstairs, and taught them to love music.

One Christmas we were staying at my grandparents house and my parents wanted to take me out on an errand. It was right after receiving the Christmas gifts and I've always been a bit possessive of ALL my belongings and wanted to take everything with me. My parents would not let me. I cried and complained and my grandmother assured me that everything would be ok. It ended up more than ok. While we were gone she whipped up a new dress for the doll I received that Christmas. I was amazed and in awe that this could come about while we were out on a simple errand. I think I still have that doll and that dress hidden in my cedar chest (which has a flat screen TV sitting on top of it right now and so I'll just keep writing). 

Music

It seemed that much of her life revolved around music. She was the chorister for the children at church into her 90s! She played the piano and the organ and she loved to sing. I still remember summer evenings when her children (my aunts and uncles) would gather in the living room to sing and tell stories. It was fun to sit back and listen and it the deep rich voices all blended into wonderful harmonies.

Missionary and Willing Traveler

Right after my grandparents got married, they went on a mission to New York. Or, at least my grandmother joined my grandfather at least partway through his mission. After their children were raised, they decided to go to New Guinea and New Zealund. I was in grade school and perhaps junior high school during these years. I remember that my first computer programming was a picture of a kiwi bird, inspired by a picture from their mission of a kiwi bird. I was so proud that my grandparents were off in an exotic foreign land teaching the gospel of Christ, educating the villages, and setting up singing programs in their local communities.

Most recent form of transportation

I served a mission in my early 20s and was able to visit them on their last mission in Pittsburgh, PA. It was great to be involved in similar work and know the same joys they had experienced.

Gift Giver

Grandma was known for making birthday gifts and Christmas gifts a year ahead of schedule. With so many brothers, sisters, and grandchildren it was quite the task. But, she did it. There were moments of fun when clothing was made or purchased a year ahead of time and the gifts didn't quite fit. But, it was the thought that counted and we all had large families where the article of clothing was bound to fit someone!

Wife, Sister, Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother

I don't have children, but I'm an aunt to over 20 children and find joy in celebrating their successes and seeing them grow. She was from a large family, she raised a large family and she was there for all the grandchildren and great-grandchildren along the way. 

She took her roles as wife, sister, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother very seriously until the end. In fact, until yesterday she greeted family and other visitors by name and held conversations with them and made their children feel special.

Legacy and Example

My grandmother has created a legacy. A posterity that has gone on to have great faith, pursue high goals and to obtain education (both formally and informally). There are some things she never said, but her example showed what was important to her - God, family, church, education, music, and teaching children. 

At the end of the day, what really matters is how we feel around a person. If they make us better for having known them. If we aspire to higher goals because of their influence. If we gain faith by feeling their Spirit.

My grandmother made me a better person. I'm proud to be her grand-daughter. I'm proud to be her posterity. I hope to continue to honor her as I make decisions for this second half of this wonderful life. 

Many people often say R.I.P. signifying "Rest In Peace." I'm sorry. I don't think that is happening right now with my grandmother. I think she is already whispering in the ears of all of us to get started on that next project swishing around in our heads. Or, maybe she is leading a singing group in a heavenly choir or perhaps telling some children a story.

No matter, I know she is pain free, busy and awaiting when she can see the rest of her family. It  may take a while. Some of us have some work still to do here!

Good-bye Grandma! I love you and am grateful for the many years we've had together - my entire life and just 1/2 of yours.

Love you,

Rebecca

Your Oldest Grandchild

Irony, Time and New Year

Today I'm home sick. Nothing to pass on to someone else. I think I had a reaction to a medicine. But, who knows really. It could have been that bad orange juice coming out of Brazil that was on the news this morning. Time will tell.

The good thing about feeling sick is that I'm home and only partially working. It is wonderful that you can be a completely competent conference call participant while laying on the bed feeling like a zombie. As long as you say "yes" at the appropriate places, ask a question or two and respond with a follow-up email, all is well in the world of work. Lucky for me I have over 300 sick hours that are just sitting there for times like these...which I hope will be rare.

Another good thing about being sick is the time it provides me to think! Really think. Answer the big questions -what am I doing with my life? Why am I doing it? Should I be doing it? What do I value most? ...and the list of questions go on.

I'm wanting something different for 2012 and beyond. I want time to see friends, time to share insight into health, religion, money, art, and exercise. I want to really get my business off the ground and not let the day job overtake everything. I want a family above all else. I want to travel beyond all the day trips I'm taking. I want to be out of debt and invested in the right things. Perhaps I'll sell my house. Perhaps not. Either way, it is time to move beyond these small walls into something that allows room for growth and creativity.

There is one fact of life that I'm sure of - it never goes as I plan. That is OK because it has turned out fine. But, that doesn't mean the anticipation is easy. I've had a session or two of tears when I realize that I'm way off course in some areas and feel like some opportunities passed me by that others take for granted. Yet, I've gotten to have experiences that others may never know.

Gratitude comes back when I remember these things.

So, today is rather ironic. I'm going to take a meal to a young woman that is giving birth to twins. Right after calling her, I called my own doctor to find out what I should do about my reaction to my medicine. Medicine that is supposedly helping my body get healthy so I can have kids. One person is on bed rest and I'm just laying on my bed for an unknown reason.

Ah well. All in good time they say while also hinting that time is of the essence.

For now, it is a new year and time to make the most of it.

Cheers!

Hurricane Musings

So, there are benefits to hurricane weekends. Though ... it is just a bit breezy outside and rainy most of the day. It is supposed to get worse. We'll see. I could swear that the Weather channel has a partnership with all the local grocery stores. Everyone runs out and buys things they don't need or is overkill for what might be two days away from normal living.

Ah well, what do I know. We had an earthquake here this week and THAT was completely unexpected and no newscaster thought to give us a heads up. I was in the middle of a lunch meeting at our cafeteria and the room started to shake. Quite the surprise, but five minutes later we continued our meeting while the rest of the people ran outside and talked about it. The rest of the day was the "where were you when it happened" conversation.

This weekend I'm spending most of my time helping someone write a proposal. These things take a lot of energy and time. But, I'm not pulling my hair out because there isn't anything great outside that I'm missing. Plus, I smartly went and swam an hour of laps yesterday in the morning before all the clouds came rolling into town.

I realize that this post isn't that exciting, but sometimes we aren't angry or happy, but just kind of calmly going about doing life. I spent time with a good friend last evening, took my husband's shirts to the dry cleaners and picked them up (learning that you have to ASK them to starch them - they don't just do it), and made a six page to do list that I've accomplished one page of so far.

Since they are still working on our offices, I get to telework a lot right now which actually means that I work longer days and accomplish more. Funny result - I actually enjoy when I do go now because I get to catch up on all my work relationships. It is during these times when you realize you really can have a work family too!

Perhaps I will write in this blog more this week and perhaps not. I'm trying not to worry about it so much. Some things go into my personal journal now that used to go out here. We all go through these phases, aye?

Many of my friends, different friends than last year, are going through massively difficult experiences. Divorce, separation, financial woes, job woes, low self-esteem. It is amazing that with so much abundance around, we still have issues in life. Most of these people would look "perfect" from viewing their lives on the outside. It makes me realize that we are just all going through LIFE and perhaps needs to share a little more and help a little more - in the spirit of giving and helping vs. gossiping and whispering.

All little thoughts as the imaginary hurricane swirls around my little abode.

Cheers!

Personal Purpose Journey

As they say, I really think the "universe combines" to take you where you want to go...even if you are only sure of the fact that you need to go somewhere else and no other details.

For the past six months or so, I feel like I've been in the "depths of despair" (Anne of Green Gables) and at the height of inspiration - often in the same day.

Lucky for me - God puts people in my path that continue to help me along this journey.

A simple discussion on the phone, a spiritual breakfast (or dinner) at the Silver Diner, talking with a former co-worker at Border's bookstore as we brainstorm ideas for our future, quotes from different church meetings, drive by cubings at work that turn into heartfelt sharing and innovative solutions, taking a break from the DC traffic to go on a hayride with some good friends.

These are those moments that tell me that I am blessed and must be grateful.

As I make all of the changes that have been swarming around in my head for the last while, I will need all of these moments to reflect on, act on and express gratitude for since all will contribute to who I become and how fast. Note: I'm trying not to say slow because that is not an option. (-:

Either way, this evening I'm experiencing immense gratitude for the people in my life, the possibilities that are ahead and how I can better serve others.

By the way, in particular, "people" actually boils down to a lot of awesome women right now - OK, and a few men. Let me take a moment to name a few:

• My parents - who have learned patience through our lives not going the way THEY planned
• Brothers and Sisters - for being my best friends even if we don't talk every week or even month!
• Nieces and Nephews - that allow themselves a special "Aunt Rebecker" spot in their hearts. All 19 of them...so far.
• My Neighbors - who I'm spending more time getting to know based upon a quote I read on Erin's blog. Come visit and I'll introduce you - we've got some characters.
• Ms. R - for being my mentor, having confidence in me with all the program management "junk" I deal with on a daily basis.
• Angela - for giving me confidence for outwardly expressing that "I am a Woman of God" and talking about religious things with me, though we are of different "faiths."
• Pam - always thinking of ways to keep up, enjoy time shared and talk through the challenges of life.
• Ann - virtual support who I still need to travel the world with since I'm much delayed on delivering my promises. (-:
• Tiffany - my cousin that boldly shares her beliefs (politically and spiritually) on her blog.
• Anthony - a work kindred spirit who loves to talk ideas, forward thinking, politics, and religion.
• Harrison - is still willing to meet up with me for long walks and talks and to share photobooks. And, honestly never judges.
• Heidi - another great conversation that took my thoughts even further on the path toward realizing who I want to be and to get to it!
• Erin - constantly writing and sharing ideas and the ups and downs candidly and with a fierce desire to keep moving forward and making a difference in the world.
• Mrs. L - a new friend who is a bit intimidating (retired Chief Learning Officer for part of DoD) that realized before I did that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life and was comfortable telling me so.

Wow, I truly did not mean to get carried away here! Thought it was going to be just a couple of people and the list just kept growing. I'm sure I'm forgetting quite a few too.

I am one lucky lady!

Let's all keep on this journey together -side by side. Hmmm - do you remember that song from a long time ago? (I just went and looked it up here - http://visit.elysiumgates.com/rag.html)

Well we ain't got a barrel of money...


We may look ragged and funny...

But we're travelin' on...

Singing our song...

Side by side.

Through all kinds of weather...

What if the sky should fall?

As long as we're together,

It doesn't matter at all.

So we ain't got a barrel of money...

We may look ragged and funny...

But we're travelin' on...

Singing our song...

Side by side.



Through all kinds of weather...

Drought, flood, rain and snow,

We will be together...

So it just don't matter at all...

Oh we ain't got a barrel of money...

We may look ragged and funny...

But we're travelin' on...

Singing our song...

Side by side.



Don't know what's comin' tomorrow...

maybe it's trouble and sorrow...

but we'll travel the road...

sharin' our load...

side by side.



Oh we ain't got a barrel of money...

We may look ragged and funny...

But we're travelin' on...

Singing our song...

Side by side.

When they've all had their quarrels and parted...

we'll be the same as we started...

just travlin' along singin' a song...

side by side.

In Memory Of - Shane Mitchell

Life is precious, but sometimes we don't realize it until it is gone, right?

This weekend our church congregation received some very sad news. A member of our congregation had died in a Ragnar Relay. I didn't even know what the Ragnar Relay was until this weekend. Obviously, I'm not a runner, but apparently a lot of people know about it and participate in the race across the nation.

Shane was my "home teacher" for a couple of months last year. So, I didn't know him well. He and his wife and little one year old son made for a really cute family. A little quiet, very nice and quick to smile. He was here for law school, along with many other couples in my congregation. He was only in his 20s.

Here's the ONLY thing I found on the web about it over three days later - http://itjustlookslikeslowmotion.blogspot.com/2010/09/running-really-sucks-sometimes.html - which has bothered me a bit. These are the times where we should plaster our love for individuals all over the web and let people know that this happened. In fact, it would be even better to do so while people are alive and well. Plus, it seems like it would be a good time to make some of these great races a little safer for all runners everywhere.

I'm so glad that their close friend wrote her thoughts down. It is much better to hear it from someone who really cares than from a news source, right?

My life has some really tough parts right now, but these sad moments put it all in perspective. We could be gone at any time. Others in our lives could be gone at any time. So little time to truly live!

Am I willing to live my life a little fuller,
       help people a little more,
                 look up and smile at people passing by,
                     be a little more patient with loved ones or co-workers?

After all, it could be my last opportunity...or theirs.

My heart goes out to Holly, Preston, family, friends and their fellow runners! This is tough stuff and it doesn't get any easier over time. Praying that they will find peace and comfort at this time of sorrow.

May God be with them til they meet again...

In Memory of - Great Aunt Irene

This past week my Great Aunt Irene died.

She was about 92 years old. Lived a full life!

Since she lived "across the river" in Maryland, I was able to visit her at times. That has been a few years because she moved to be near her daughter for the last few years of her life since she'd spent the years around here with her son.

Here are a few memories:

• Breyer's Vanilla Bean Ice Cream - Way back in the 1980s, my family took a trip to DC and stopped by my Great Aunt and Uncle's home in Bethesda, Maryland. I remember it being near the temple for our church, but they weren't members and so they didn't go with us to visit it. However, they did feed us out on the grill and followed it up with the best vanilla ice cream I'd ever had at that point in my life! She informed me that the little black dots in the ice cream made it taste better and I've been hooked on Breyers since that time.
• Oil painting - She loved to paint. I think that she picked it up later in life. Never mind that, she was determined. So determined that she signed up for painting classes across the world. Yep, not just local little paint classes, but classes in exotic places.
• Travel - Even in her 80s she was taking trips to exotic places around the world - and not just to paint. She went on a safari and other such adventures.
• Kindle, email, and technology - When I was visiting her one day a few years ago, she got me involved in working on her computer. Something wasn't right and she and I both ended up on the floor re-directing wires. Really, a woman in her 80s and me. Since that time, she added me to her email list, she joined Facebook and requested all future book gifts to come electronically for her Amazon Kindle. Fuh-ney. Who says technology savy has anything to do with age?
• Aching Back and Hips - She informed me in another visit that her back and hip hurt and she didn't know why. Hmmm. Age?
• Laughter - Sometimes she was quiet and sometimes she'd tell a good story and share a cute laugh.
• Joy in grandchildren - She was ALWAYS raving about her grandchildren. Don't all grandmothers? But, I of course got to listen to a few extra piano solos and see little people dance around the house at her promptings.
• Loving to a not so related relative - A great aunt, unless located near you, aren't typically that close. I'm glad she took time to invite me over, talk, and share.

She died peacefully in her sleep. The right way to go.

I'm grateful she was a part of my life.

Overwhelmed and Overworked

It feels like forever since I've blogged. In some ways, I forgot that I had all of these blogs. Unfortunately, that isn't a good thing since I'm someone that has to write stuff down to decompress.

Right now it is 4:30 a.m.

I cannot sleep.

I have about 6-7 pages of "to dos" from work that I haven't been able to get to for two weeks. Partially, because I took care of my sister's six kids for a few days and partially because I'm experiencing "meeting mania." Literately, I've had about five meetings a day and I've had to lead most of them. So, it's hard to multi-task when you are engaged in leading a meeting.

Yesterday was the last straw. My first meeting was at 8:00 a.m. (which I arrived late to because traffic was bad and it took me 1.5 hours to get to work) and the last ended at 6:00 p.m. The two prior days were filled with meetings as well. All the energy is being sucked from me!

It wouldn't bug me, but I had just worked 20 hours the prior weekend to get through about 700 emails and different projects only to find myself overwhelmed again.

Really, right now is the perfect storm. I'm training two production managers, trying to lead a new contract that has tons of important initiatives attached to it and trying to pass along old responsibilities while gathering an entire slew of new responsibilities under my belt.

Why? Why am I doing this?

Right now I have to in order to move forward, get the salary increases, etc.

However, and this is a big however, I cannot sustain this way of living. What bothers me most is that I haven't had that time to think, ponder, and get inspiration. I must be in bionic mode all day and make split second decisions for people to move forward on implementing new processes, systems, partnerships, etc.

That being said, I am grateful. Grateful that I have a good job that is stable. Grateful that I'm entrusted with this responsibility. Grateful that I'm growing my talents.

Now it's 4:46 a.m. and I've got plenty of time to get ahead of the game. Plus, I get to be at home most of the day today and so I might even be able to have some laundry going on in the background and get a few minutes in on the treadmill.

So, I'm going to get off this blog and get to work.

Behind the Scenes - the REAL Days of Our Lives

Sometimes when I look back at things I write down in all of these web 2.0 tools (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Blogger), I feel pretty shallow. After all, this is where I don't really share what is going on in my life. Just those mini thoughts I have along the path of REAL LIFE.

Today I'm not having mini thoughts. I'm having REAL LIFE thoughts. You know, how things are really going behind the scenes.

My past posts (this week) are a bunch of happy photos with family, random posts about how people don't like Peanut Butter Oreo cookies and how I want to be just like the lady who blogged about Julie Childs.

Really - not very deep stuff.

What is really going on in my mind and at my house?

- I am trying to eat right and am still gaining weight.
- I exercise and I still gain weight.
- I don't always get my monthly reports in on time for our primary attendance records.
- I am dealing with a lot of people that are not only non-proactive, but can't even do the basics of their jobs. And, even if they are proactive, they aren't experienced enough to see the big picture or know how much effort it really takes to do a job.
- I lead meetings every day where 80% of the people think they know more than me about our development process. Most have never been involved in a development project. I've managed over 100 development efforts in this environment. I can tell you the successes, issues, failures, risks, etc. within the first 10-15 minutes of interacting with the team on any given project. That, my friends, comes with experience (experience = failures + lessons learned + time + success).
- I fight work battles that those in higher pay grades should be fighting. Most of the time I don't get acknowledgement for fighting those battles. Sometimes it hurts me professionally.
- I'm helping people secretly in ways that have impact on my own health, wealth and mental attitude.
- I am emotionally, physically, and mentally dealing with pains in my own life as well as the lives of many friends.
- I get bugged when I don't have enough ME time.
- I didn't clean the dishes for three days this week because I ran out of dishwasher detergent, even though I had at least 10 little bottles of regular dish washing detergent and could have easily transferred the dishes to the sink and washed them.
- I de-junked each room halfway last weekend leaving all kinds of things half done in every room of the house...further driving my mind crazy.
- I have dreamed up rude things to say to people that bug me, but being a little verbally challenged - these eloquent quips come out about four hours after the fact.
- I sometimes dislike Sundays because it means another day of meetings, which means it is not a day of rest.
- I hate when I don't get to go on a walk on any given day.
- Sometimes I really don't have time for you, but it is me, not you, that has the problem.


Ok, each sentence starts with an "I," but "I" am not the only one that tries to stay positive, but has to deal with REAL LIFE. You do too.

Maybe I'm just cranky today. I threw up all night, had a horrible migraine type headache, laid in bed participating in a two hour conference call that involved a lot of unnecessary wordsmithing of a document. That was followed by different groups of people yelling at me through email because they want to start projects right now because they have to use their money by the end of September. Um, I'm not perfect, but planning does help a bit...especially if done 10-11 months in the past.

So, perhaps I'm just tired. I can't even take a real sick day without working seven hours with my computer, blackberry, iPhone and notebook in bed with me.

I warned you. This post is about REAL LIFE.

Now, since I'm being real, and I'm hungry - I'm going to grab me something to eat that I probably shouldn't eat and go back to bed since I can't take a walk.

It might be best if I go into my cave for a few days before writing another post. Perhaps by then I will be back to my shallow insights which may be more appealing than these REAL LIFE rants.

Cancer and a prayer for Holly

Though I'm at work, I'm having a hard time concentrating and figured I should take a few minutes to write down some thoughts.

Last night we went out to eat with a good friend that has just found out she has pancreatic cancer (terminal) and lymphoma (which there are solutions to nowadays). I've talked to her a few times on the phone recently, but this is the first time I had seen her since a hospital visit last winter.

She didn't look well. We went to a Peruvian hole in the wall for dinner. Every few months we go out to these types of places to eat with her, but life has gotten busy and it's taken months to meet back up again.

We talked about how she was feeling and are usual topics -politics, church, her work, our work, etc.

Her non-emotional personality made it kind of hard to gage how she felt about everything. It makes it difficult to ask the right questions as well. At one point I had to ask if she wanted to talk about her illnesses or something else because I wasn't sure what direction to go.

Out of the blue, halfway through the meal, she stated simply that she had 5-8 months to live. She kept talking after making the statement and we just sat still listening while allowing a tear or two to fall unattended down the cheek.

What do you say to something like that?

"Don't say that - you will be ok"

"We will pray for you"

"What can we do to help?"

It is so hard to sit across the table from someone who looks sick and part of them already seems to have moved on from this life. That sounds bad to say, but it was an overwhelming feeling and with the feeling came no words that could help in any way.

These experiences always put life in perspective. What would I do if I knew I only had 5-8 months to live? Of course, life could end any minute, but knowing that your body literally won't sustain you through another year would be an opportunity and a painful experience all at the same time.

My Aunt Anne died this year and she had been told she had one year to live last year. She was having heart problems and knowing that fact, it still came as a shock. She wrote a little autobiography during that time. I'm currently formatting it for a book combined with photos that we can find of her throughout the years. She used her time wisely, not just in writing her autobiography, but in spending the time with people she loved.

I hope that I can do a better job of caring for people each day, working without making that the top priority, spending a little time documenting how life is going and being more of an example.

Life is definitely too short. Hopefully it will be packed full of experience and not space filling.

Yes, I will still pray for my friend and have faith for her recovery. At one point in our conversation she actually talked about her faith and her appreciation for those who have supported her through this ordeal. Sorry to say that I haven't been there for her all this time. But, happy to say that she gave an inspiring little speech/testimony there at the dinner table. So, her example will continue to be felt whether she has health miracles or not.

These challenges always spur questions like - why did this happen? I still don't know even though we know that life will be full of challenges. All I can do is learn what I can from them and hope I have a chance to share the learnings and live a little longer.

So, Holly, you probably won't ever read this, but we'll continue to talk, visit a hole in the wall restaurant or two, and pray and hope for your recovery during this difficult time.

Priorities

I'm finding it difficult to select the right priorities right now. I should be out at a funeral for my Aunt, but I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Part of me says that I can't afford it, but how can I afford not to be around family and friends at these times?

I work all day and it takes all of the energy that I've got. No, I do not work in a mine or on a construction site. I work with knowledge workers, online developers, e-learning designers, and subject matter experts. It is mentally exhausting for me in many ways. That is partially because I like to strategize and DO work and not philosophize or hold lots of meetings. (Ok, that is the last of my complaining - I do have a good job in a bad economy and for that I am grateful). However, it takes everything out of me and I don't think I think straight once I leave work. I just want extremely low key evenings with no social events.

So, then it becomes really hard to make good decisions, serve others happily and be hopeful.

Sometimes my intentions are far greater than what I can actually get done. I've even cut out most extra curricular activities in all areas of my life to keep it simple. I've cut out driving too much, eating out and buying anything extraneous....even though I still want a new camera!

Anyway, I guess I'm feeling a little guilty for not flying out west for the funeral, for not being able to pay down debt as rapidly as I like, not being able to help others in need as much as I'd like and not being this amazingly helpful, responsive person to everyone that comes in my path.

Perhaps this is part of life and growing up though - making choices, being there sometimes and not others, knowing when you are strong enough to hold others up and when you need to sit it out at home and get your own soul filled up.

The beauty is that it is a constantly changing pattern and so neither the ups or the downs last too long and there is always the time of transition in between.

Ok, hopefully this wasn't a ramble. Well, actually it is a ramble, but you know what...it's my blog and I'm just going to ramble.

It is sounding like this is one of those "sit it out at home and get your own soul filled up" moments, aye?

Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision

This weekend I watched the worldwide conference for my church. Luckily, I live in a place where someone local has some influence on these matters and it happened to be on TV. Pretty cool considering that I'm on the east coast far away from the influences of the Rocky Mountain west.

Only the audio files are available at this time, but here's the link - http://lds.org/conference/sessions/display/0,5239,23-1-947,00.html

I only remember one phrase from the conference and it continues to stick in my mind:

"Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision." (I'll put who said it later because I honestly can't remember)

Perhaps it is because I go from having a lot of faith right now to feelings of despair rather quickly. Something will be said, a life event will happen or I watch the 401k start to go down by five digits instead of the usual three or four. I'll admit that it's been even harder during a time where I've made extra efforts to refocus life, study the good word, visit the temple A LOT, try to help others even when it's hard, and plan for an important upcoming event in my life.

Sometimes the going gets tough and that's why this quote seemed to penetrate my heart. It is a decision. I've made the decision before. A few months ago I decided this and the confidence that accompanied it was invigorating. However, when things don't fall into place after deciding to decide...hope does dwindle and faith truly reverts to the size of a mustard seed.

Where does this leave me now? Well, I will do what I always do. Write about it, cry about it, think about it and complain about it. Go to bed. Get up the next day and decide once again to have faith and move forward.

Somehow I, like everyone else, can look back a year (or more) later and say "Wow, I forgot even going through all that" or "I can't believe I was so worried." At that point, perhaps faith does have a feeling. A confirmation that a trial was overcome (or at least "gone through") and quite possibly the next challenge will be manageable.

Until then, it's another day and another decision.