Friendship - the Power of Choice

Friendship is a strange thing to me. What attracts me to different people and not others? Many people that are close friends aren't really like me. Others are completely like me. I'm drawn to same, opposite and everything in between. Yet, at the same time, repelled by the same.

I've had interactions lately with people I've gone through "stuff" with - church stuff, work stuff, volunteer stuff, etc. With some of them, I've even cried and shared deep feelings. Yet, it is a very compartmentalized type of friendship - only in the context of church, work or neighbor.

Others extend beyond those boundaries. Maybe being a roommate at some point in life helps. You truly know each others dirty laundry. (-:

Conducting a brief analysis in my brain today, I've temporarily decided that perhaps the difference is in our choosing of the friend, no?

I really like a lot of people that I work with at church and at work. I even like my neighbors. But, we've been put in situations where we must work and collaborate together. We learn to do so and often form great friendships. 

But, often don't go to that next level. I don't try to find ways to meet up with them randomly. I don't text them when there is a piece of good news. 

Hmmm.

Perhaps it comes down to matters of the heart - what levels of heart we get to share when we are with them and how they respond to those intimate soul bearing moments, or maybe what level of judgement we see them place on their own lives and others.

Either way, I'm grateful for friends. Those I've chosen and those that are "organized" into my path of existence.

Memory Lane and Friend Good-byes

A few years ago,  I took a little trip by myself to get away from a lot of stress I was having in a new job. I was able to stay with a friend's parents most of the time and did a little non-tourist type traveling around the south of France, Spain and Andorra.

It was slightly before spring and so everything was on the verge of being beautiful - you know what I mean?

We went to restaurants where the regulars went, watched old men play boules in the local green spaces, saw people from near and far bring jugs to fill with holy water at Lourdes,  visited old farmhouses (over 300 years old) with very old people (100+ year olds), drove through the Pyrenees, dodged wild boars on the winding countryside roads and ate some pretty decent bread. (-;

All through the trip, a little dog named Tiny traveled with me. And, though the picture is up close, she really was tiny.  She had to sit by me, follow me, and perform tricks for me. She ate what the family ate for dinner on an actual human plate which further displayed the fine tastes of the French culture and French dogs. Ha.

On a regular basis, she would run to catch a knotted up rag that I would throw down the hallway to her, dash back to me and lay the rag at my feet followed by my throwing it down the hall again - you know the drill.

On the day of my departure, my bags were all packed at the end of the hallway and Tiny brought the knotted rag to me to throw off in to the distance. I threw it toward my bags. She dashed happily off to catch the toy.

And, stopped. Once Tiny saw the bags, she looked back at me, wandered in to the bedroom I had occupied and back out by the luggage...then slowly made her way back to the living room and sat on the floor beside me. No knotted rag.

It was in an instant that she realized that this novelty in her life (me) was no longer going to be there. Her countenance completely changed in a matter of seconds! The next few hours she wandered around with a sad look on her face before we headed toward the airport.

This was quite shocking for me because I'm not that clued in to dogs.

However, here I am years later having one of these same type of Tiny moments.

This morning one of my good friends drove off in to the ....sun rise. She's been my roommate about four times over the past 11 years. We've gone through some of the fun and a lot of the difficult parts of life together. She had moved closer to the city a few years ago and so we would catch up every month or two. She's been living with me the past few months as she prepares for her new opportunity - teleworking in another state.

Late last night and early this morning I woke up crying with a profound sorrow. It was like my body had that same sudden change as Tiny had when she realized that someone that she spent time with would be gone for a while.

I've had this feeling at the end of each year of college, or whenever my family moved, or whenever I moved. It was the realization that an experience had ended and it would never be the same after that point. For some reason the soul has to mourn this change for at least a few moments before it can embrace the next set of experiences, challenges, adventures, etc.

These are good, though difficult, moments. It causes reflection. It reminds us of all that we've gone through with a person, place, or thing. It gives meaning to our lives as we realize how many of these experiences with friends, families, acquaintances - and even dogs - become interwoven in to who we are and what we will become.

So, thank you for your friendship Harrison! Here's hoping that wonderful adventures await! Perhaps this journey will be difficult, but there will be some joys and surprises along the way. Plus, it is 2011 - which means we have modern technology to keep in touch while remembering some of the fun moments of the past.

To sum it all up - one of my favorite little poems of all time:

"You are the piece to the puzzle

of someone else's life.

You may never know

where you fit.

But, others will fill the holes in their lives

with pieces of YOU."

Pammy Girl - Clarence has a message for you

Once in a while, a friend posts a remark on my blog that makes me realize I've got some reminding to do.

Reminding someone of their meaning in my life.

Ms. Pammy Girl made such a remark today. And so, Pammy Girl, this post is for you. Consider it your very own message from Clarence (Angel Second Class - It's a Wonderful Life).

A long time ago in a town called DC, some friends met up for a late morning breakfast at the famed Eastern Market. One friend invited another and yet another, all emerging from the metro depths. 

One of these girls was Pammy Girl. A girl already there was me, Rebecker.

I don't recollect much about that day, except that we had great food, checked out the artisans crafts, and had a generally good time. Somehow we had good conversation because she automatically became a fixture in my DC life in "Provo East."

The great thing about Pammy Girl is that she likes adventure (but not like a dare devil), thinks about how to make the best possible experience, and wants to have real conversation along the way.

Yes, real conversation. We laugh, we cry, we just sit and look ahead. And, it is all A-OK.

Oh, Pammy Girl, there are a lot of memories.

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?



We traveled together to Kings Dominion for roller coasters and splashdown rides.

And, even wore matching shirts once in a while - by chance and not on purpose.

You probably are the person that got us all into kayaking on the Potomac River at Jack's Boathouse, which is something that I introduced to all of my brother's when they came to visit for the first time.

You convinced me to go for a long weekend to England. Yes, a long weekend. You found places to eat, stay, and visit. I just showed up. Now I look back and wonder why on earth we traveled across the ocean for a long weekend (OK, maybe four days).

It was fun, despite the English version of a BLT sandwich (yuck, it was like raw Spam). Despite your  love for England, it never rubbed off on me, but I'm grateful for the experience.

If only to watch ugly pigeon's land on your head.

You love Hawaii! I love Hawaii, but you made sure that I actually went to visit. I hadn't been since I was a little girl. I've been to the Bahamas and thought it was a beautiful and relaxing retreat, but it didn't do the same thing to my heart as Hawaii.

Sure, we did all the typical tourist stuff on Oahu - Polynesian Center, climbing Diamond Head, swimming in Waimea and that one snorkeling spot where half of the world decided to enter the coral infested waters all at once. But, it was the other moments that were most memorable.

You know, like hunting around "Fu Lion" to find tofu for our friend to cook us dinner. What was his name? Sun Tao?

Or, when you were a good sport and slept in our car near the beach when we couldn't find a hotel. It was uncomfortable and ...illegal. I don't think you liked how I said it "would be a funny story in a few years," but we both laugh now....I think.

Or, what about that seat on the side of the road that we just had to pull over for to be authentic?

Good times and good conversations.

Even in tough times.


But, we continue to make it through, aye?


I still remember when they gave me that institute responsibility. How did you get involved? Did you just volunteer and get started? It was amazing. We went from a small group to a huge program almost overnight (from a lot of prayers of those that lead before us), but you were a huge part of that success.

You took on the marketing efforts and using your graphic design skills to help make even the little things important - class signage, fliers, other communications, etc. You made it more than it was and were always there to help and support. You were a huge part of helping others make friends and want to participate.

The walks and talks about life, men, church, relationships, work, and travel - all are a part of me now.

(This is kind of cheesy as I look at it now - ha)

I can't think of the Race for the Cure without thinking that Pammy Girl needs to be there. Not just there for the fun, but to point out the famous people. Because, you know your famous people.

(Coach of the Utah Jazz?)

Pammy Girl, you were there to help Ann at her wedding. Who else could have taken on the task of doing a bride's make-up?

Or, ensuring the dress looks beautiful for the bride while also managing to take some great photographs? Multi-talented and multi-caring Pammy Girl.

And, smiling and hoping for a chance to hold special flowers.

And, ensuring a bride had just the right outfit to wear on her special day.

Through the pains of life, you've still reached out to others - even for the mundane things like helping a middle aged woman experience her first pedicure/manicure. And, sharing why it makes a difference for a woman to have nice looking feet. (OK, don't look. I know you are a "feet person" and mine are distorted.)

Or, the importance of checking out local demolition derby's every five or ten years - and win a prize and share it with one of the local hicks.

Pammy Girl, this post doesn't do justice to the part you've played in my life. You've been a great friend, even during times where we haven't talked for even a year! You thoughtfully share feelings and concerns and are willing to go through the tough stuff with people. You've toughed out your own tough stuff and have accomplished amazing things (you Johns Hopkins grad you!).

You've made a difference in my life, more so than I have in yours.

Often you've shared wonderful cards with messages that have made my day, my week or my heart just weep or be grateful. One Christmas card held what has become a favorite poem of mine, which is on one of my blogs - An Extra-ordinary Night.

Here's another favorite - just for you at this time:

"You are the piece to the puzzle of someone elses life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of you."



Pammy Girl, you are one of those pieces in my life. I'm grateful for your friendship, your good heart, your love of adventure, and your persistence in the race of life. You are the piece of MANY other lives as well.

Never forget it.

Speaking of races....

Go! Fight! Win! ...that triathlon you've gotten all in shape for! We are cheering for you ...and hope you enjoy your trek to Burley, Idaho!

Thank you for your friendship Pammy Girl!

...a thought from a blog

Once in a while I hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of Blogger just to see where it goes. I read a few entries and came across this paragraph:

"The year before last, I met some of the most wonderful people in my life. But it is last year that I understood their significance. What they meant to me. What was their importance and what priorities needed to be set to make myself happy. I found my happiness. I made settlements with my expectations, understood what was not a fairytale and what was reality. And loved my life for it."

What a wonderful little reflection. I don't know why, but it made me take a moment and think about people in my life and how some have become more significant over time and some have dropped off. And, I've realized that it is OK if some drop off.

Speaking of dropping off, I clicked a button and lost the blog I got this quote from - so guess some of these little reflections are important to capture in that one glimpse we have to find them. That probably contains a life lesson right there.

Ah-well, back for a few more minutes of Saturday morning sleep.

A Woman of God

With all of the struggles of life, it is so wonderful to have great friends!

I will admit to reaching out to people this past week after I had a week or two alone in my thoughts.

As a result, the past few days have been filled with quite a few one on one conversations with great women!

Different religions, different cultures, different talents, similar hopes and dreams, and all at points of life where focus on God, work, family and friends are important to even making it through the day.

As I had my conversations with them, I was touched by the strength of spirit each has and especially by the openness to share belief in God. The women that aren't of my religion all used the phrase "a woman of God" when they were talking about themselves, me or other women that believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ. They would say "I was talking to a friend the other day and since she was a woman of God we started talking about..."

The beauty of the discussions is that it not only helped me gain a deeper testimony of my own beliefs, but also made me realize that we can all learn a lot from each other in how we communicate about God. These women shared thoughts about God in such a way that I knew that they talked to Him, prayed to Him, included Him in their decisions, know that He has a plan for them, and that He created us to be inadequate so that we would turn to Him in times of need and not try to take on resolving the questions and issues of our lives by ourselves. Sometimes I don't think I, or even others in my religion, share what we actually believe with this passion and in a way that conveys that passion to others.

Over and over I continue to be reminded that our job is to take steps each day toward Him in doing what is right. Yes, we can create plans and force things to happen, but that it is probably better to talk to Him more and find out what He would have us to do. After all, we are on His time frame and not our own.

All this makes me wonder - am I really a woman of God? Perhaps I am, but have a ways to go. I think I inform him too much or try to orchestrate answers that He doesn't want for me yet or wants me to go in a different direction. In these moments it becomes apparent that I may be more of a control freak than I thought.

Either way, I'm grateful for friends that remind me that God is in charge and are living examples of following him. He is our Heavenly Father. He created the universe and so why can't he handle helping little Rebecker move forward in her life?

I think He can. I'm a budding woman of God.

Notes from Ellen

Here's the note in my work email inbox this morning:

"Rebecca have a nice day on Friday and nice weekend"

Every week Ellen sends me an email of this sort. It is completely out of the blue and I'm surprised she thinks of me so frequently. We rarely talk. We run into each other on campus every few weeks and talk about whatever is on her mind.

Why is this a big deal to me? This woman is in a special program where the government gives employment to those with disabilities. In this case, the disabilities are more mental than physical, but she can still perform basic tasks and is consistent in doing so.

On first meeting, most of us would think of her as child-like and maybe not as aware of the world arond her. But, as I've received these emails I've realized that she is more on the ball than most of us. I've found out that I'm not the only one that receives these little emails. She makes this a regular habit for those she cares about.

It is a great reminder to me to take a few moments each day to contact a friend and just say "Hi" and "Hope you have a nice day" even if I'm not the best friend or really close. It still makes a difference.

If I'm "your person" and I don't want to be

We all have a person. Or multiple people I hope. It might not be the same person every day and that person might not necessarily be our best friend. Calling any one of my people my best friend wouldn't feel right because that role seems to rotate around depending upon proximity, life challenges and emotional timing.

At work many of us have a work person. The work person is the natural default for lunch, idea sharing and gripes. Sometimes it's this person that helps me get through the day or even stay at the same job a little longer. Somehow if everyone has a person there is a synergy with the teams and it makes the entire environment a little better. Our person must be a type of security blanket of sorts which allows us to feel free to be comfortable with all.

Ahh, but then enters the person that decides they want you to be their person and you already have a person. What are the signs?

• Seeking person asks non-seeking person to lunch or dinner (or wherever) on a regular basis and non-seeking person seems to always have a meeting, a conference call, needs to go to the copier, or starts eating lunch around 10:30 a.m. to avoid all possibilities of a relationship.
• When seeking person walks into an office space, non-seeking person suddenly becomes very focused on the computer screen or on the urgent fake phone call they had to make.
• Seeking person engages non-seeking person in private conversation in a room full of people when the non-seeking person is obviously participating in the group conversation and seems restless the minute seeking person starts talking.
• Non-seeking person suddenly has eye glazing attacks right when seeking person addresses them about a topic.
• Non-seeking person starts walking different routes when seeking person is identified within close proximity.
• Suddenly entire groups of non-seeking persons seems to notice when seeking persons are seeking and all start to exhibit extreme actions of above stated behaviors.

Does this deserve a blog entry? Probably not, but I was feeling like I was in a non-seeking person hostage situation the other day and this was the only way to be released of the feeling.

May I find better ways to cope with these dilemmas going forward and hopefully someone will share with me a better way. Perhaps I can find a seeker for a seeker and create a win-win situation.

P.S. I'm not talking about romantic relationships here though some of these behaviors most definitely apply. For me this primarily happens at work, but I'm sure others have this in different settings.

P.S.S. I re-type old journals and am horrified that I was perhaps a seeker person to a few people that were non-seekers. I'm a little embarrassed about those moments, but I blush a little and keep moving forward. Perhaps someone else has written about me on another blog. It is a possibility and I will live with it.

Good times with Good Friends

It's Black Friday! I live within a couple of miles of some of the best shopping in Northern Virginia. I slept in until 8 a.m. and got into the car almost an hour later.

However, I didn't go the mall (except in Pentagon City where that was the only place to park). I got to spend Black Friday with two great former roommate friends.

They came out to DC this week despite the change of wedding plans.

We had a great time. Jacque and I drove around DC and down to Mt. Vernon. We met up with Shirley a little later and drove down Route 1 in Alexandria, Virginia to enjoy the Afghan Restaurant. When we all lived in Pentagon City we would frequent this restaurant almost weekly. We loved the Afghan waiting staff and of course the wonderful food. We were some of the first people to go back to the restaurant after September 11th when we saw our favorite waiter plastered on the front of the USA Today saying that they had lost $30,000 in business that month after the attacks.

Ah, good times. Sometimes in these moments you don't realize that 8-9 years have past since you've first met someone. In fact, I feel like I've known Shirley and Jacque my entire life. Maybe it's because we've gone through the hard parts of life together. Or, maybe it's just because we trust in each other to share those deep sorrows, pains, hopes and desires.

Does it really matter why I feel like I've known them forever? Probably not. It just matters that I have these friends and no matter how many years separate us...we still just get together and talk as if nothing has changed between then and now. I think we all need a few people like this in our lives. Maybe just 1-2 or perhaps even 9-10, but the point is to have them and to be one of them to someone else.

Good times. Good friends.

Weekend of Friends

Every three months I get a bombardment of phone calls and emails from friends saying something to the effect of "we haven't talked in so long, let's do dinner" or breakfast or lunch or whatever. So, I'll have a turbo weekend of great conversations and meals followed by a lull of a few months and it will start up again. In a way it's good this way because life moves fast, but sometimes it would be good to get everyone on a different cycle so more time can be spent with each.

Either way, I'm not complaining because I always have a wonderful time.

This week has been difficult. Work has been very stressful, the weather has been drab and a lot of people are going through tough times. Sometimes you don't want to meet up with friends when you just want to hide.

However...it's usually the pick up that is needed.

My friend Julie called me on Wednesday and said that her husband had given her a gift of a surprise trip to DC for a few days. What a great husband! We were able to get together last night and do the talk and eat thing. I hadn't seen them in years, but we had gone through fun, and sometimes heartbreaking times out in Provo, UT. It was so great to catch up and talk about life, family, friends, decisions, successes, etc. They are doing very well and I'm so proud to have friends that are so successful with their families, with their jobs and that are just plain living right. It inspires me to do a little better and that if I keep trying to move forward I might be able to achieve the same success.

(A little part of me always wonders why I'm so "delayed" in some areas, but maybe it provides high self-esteem to someone to know that I am still struggling through this thing called life)

(Brett and Julie)

Today - I just got back from breakfast with Angela and had a great conversation about Crucial Conversations (based on the book) and about incorporating web 2.0 into e-learning and training in today's environment. This afternoon I am having lunch with a friend from work and another friend and I decided we were trying to keep up with too many friends today and we can both wait to see each other on another night.

Yep, I'm already tired. But, I'm happy and grateful for so many wonderful friends.

Secret Happiness - One

Today I saw a man that has a hard time coming church engaged in deep conversation with a new friend. It was a reminder to me how important we each are in the lives of others. This man just wanted to hide and not be seen. But, others attempted to be a friend. "Others" means two people tried to be friends. As a result, the man that wanted to remain hidden has two friends.

Yet, even more amazing is that he has no idea what a difference he has made in the lives of the two people that be-friended him. They have expressed gratitude for the discovery of such a wonderful, quiet and caring person. They run up to see him after each meeting to find out how he is doing, what new ideas he has and what interesting piece of research about history, politics, technology or space that he has to share. In the process, he is learning from them how to enjoy the lessons and the knowledge that come from participating in the meetings each week.

I enjoy watching from afar. It gives me a secret happiness.

New Office

I see another episode of the office coming. We have seven of us in one room temporarily while they work on our building. So, we are housed in the basement of another building. It should be an interesting experience. So far, so good. Ok, I didn't notice some of my co-workers were making faces at the camera while I was taking the picture. Ha.

I'm in the far back right hand corner. Yes, I bump my head on the ceiling if I stand up in the corner, but my desk is sitting slightly past it so I'm fine most of the time.

Some of us are quiet, and some aren't. Sometimes people talk and sometimes they don't. Sometimes I join in the conversations and sometimes I don't. We are all still trying to figure each other out. But, I'm thinking it will draw us a little closer. We should probably start our own taping of the office soon because I'm sure this setting will bring out all kinds of oddities. We've all had our own offices until this time and so it's kind of taking a step back to my ATSI days where we shared space as well as each others joys, sorrows, laughs, etc.

Good times a coming...

Secret Happiness - Secret Compliments

I just had one of those moments. It was when I decided to go write a note on a friend's Facebook wall this morning. I had written on her wall about a week ago and there was only one comment after mine. Apparently, the person was surprised my friend was still in contact with me.

The comment after mine said:

"Rebecca xxxx... As in... 6 foot tall Rebecca xxxxx who was way cool and used to stop by when we were in CP? Am I remembering this correctly?!"

Ok, I'm not posting this because I wanted to feel "cool" about myself. I wanted to post this because seeing that one little comment made my day. It wasn't written on my wall. It was written from one friend to another on another wall. It's too bad I'm not the cool person they were talking about right now, but seeing that made me want to be the "cool" person again even if I am in a different part of life.

Either way, it was a good reminder of all those little things - thanking friends for friendship, passing on compliments, sharing moments instead of rushing around with our unimportant tasks, and finding the good in others.

It looks like I need to write a few notes now that I'm feeling special. (-: It is true that a little compliment can go a long way, aye?

Get found kid - Get found!

So, a relative sent an email the other day about addictions. The relative shared about a group that is available at our church. The group talks about addictions and gaining a testimony through Jesus Christ to work through these types of things - or at least deal with addictions.

I really enjoy emails like this for a few reasons.

- It makes me realize all of the resources our church has for it's people
- It makes me realize that all of us should be at these types of help groups, but obviously everyone is not ready at the same time to go through the experience
- It gives people permission to feel like they are not alone and would have support to get help
- It shows the importance of sharing trials/challenges in a meaningful way with others
- Many other things I can't think of right now

At the drug and alcohol treatment center I worked in at the Provo Jail, most of the people were there involuntarily. However, once in a while someone would come in that truly wanted to change. Those people were brilliant. They often looked different than the rest of the people because there was a strength and will that the others didn't possess. Those people always inspired me to do a little better, try a little harder, etc. It didn't matter that we didn't have the same addictions or weaknesses because the same principles for overcoming, or living with, were similar.

The 12 step program is amazing and applies to so many areas of life: http://www.12step.org/

Also, when I read the email I thought of many of my family members and friends that are in need. But, most of us don't realize it. I was reminded of a story from the All I need to know I learned in kindergarten book. It was a story of kids playing hide and seek and how one child "hid too well" and the game went on and on and all the kids forgot about the kid hiding and they all went home. The man telling the story said he just wanted to go outside and yell "get found kid, get found!" He further explained that some people he knew suffered in silence through cancer or other illnesses. They decided not to tell anyone and died before anyone knew what really was wrong. Everyone wished that they had been told about the illnesses so they all could have been in it together.

The author suggested that it would be better if we all learned how to play sardines rather than hide and seek. In Sardines you hide with the person you find and at the end of the game everyone is all hidden together in a big jolly group.

It was a powerful little story showing that we are all here to help each other. Today I had another reminder of this when Reeno emailed/wrote on her blog that she had appreciated all of the support she had received after writing about her experiences with PPD at http://rc3w.blogspot.com/.

P.S. I won't mention that the only time I played sardines was at college and I had to go to the health center with a sprained ankle, but hey...at least everyone knew about it and it created friendship and conversation. (-: